wasted time or learning experience?

Although I’m grateful for enlightenment, I get severely annoyed looking back at how small I was thinking all these years. I had ideas, yes. But they were ‘small’ in the grand scheme of things.

Now, my mind is working overtime and a half, literally filled to the brim on ideas of growing. With the exception of The Weave Review´╗┐, literally ALL of my ideas were “something to do” and did not offer much in terms of growth opportunities for the future.

Can’t do anything but shake my head.

Young people, if you’re listening: I encourage you to question the sustainability of your business a year from now, 5 years from now, or even 10 years from now. Is what you’re scheming on a necessity? If it’s not, what about it makes it something that can last for longer than a minute? Is it a trend? Can this trend withstand as is or will you have to evolve with NEW trends to keep your current relevant?

And again, start from where you are. It’s alright to dream big but if you ain’t got the “big” money to get things going, start with what you have and allow that to help you grow into bigger and better. Waiting around for perfect will have you sitting on flawless ideas forever, accomplishing absolutely nothing.


So I’m reading a friend’s wall post (facebook). She was someone who was out in California with me in ’06 when I was 100% lost, confused, and selling my soul.

In her post (won’t tag her), she says that she’s pretty much oh well’ing her current life and going back into the industry. While there were several people there who obviously care about her well being, there were quite a few who were pushing her towards it and one even dismissed the fact that her stat shows that she’s CLEARLY hurting to say “let me know if you do. I always wanted to shoot with you.”

I’ve talked about this briefly before but I’ll say it again: the porn industry is pure trash. I don’t care what perspective you choose to look at it from. Nobody in that industry is your friend beyond that moment and they surely don’t care about you beyond how much money you can put in their pockets. I was so lost and hurting back then. So lost. Even though I’ve forgiven a few people, it breaks my heart to think about ALL the people (MANY of which are on my friends list NOW) who turned their backs on me, wouldn’t talk TO me but never hesitated talking ABOUT me. Even though I JUST rededicated my life to Jesus in July of last year, there was something in me even way back then that said “forgive these people. Don’t fault them for not looking out like you THOUGHT they would.” That industry is filthy. It’ll chew you up and spit you out. I wouldn’t wish that even on my WORST enemy.


depression rant.

When I’m going through a bout of depression, I don’t “bother” anybody with my issue. The ONLY way anybody would know is if I CHOOSE to respond to their text message where they ASK ME how I’m doing. Otherwise, I choose not to be a burden to anybody; I don’t want to cast a dark cloud on anyone’s day with my “illness.”

But one thing I have to say is that folks are SO dismissive when one mentions that they’re having a hard time. Do you think they’re getting ready to ask you for something more than prayer or (if prayer ain’t your thing) a few kind words to help them get through it? I can show you text after text from today where I was literally told “you’ll be aight. I’ll holla lata.”


partial (suicide) note

I’m becoming a little bit more comfortable with opening up about my mental disorder. Depression is truly an ugly and uncomfortable thing. I’m in a good place; I wake up in the morning with intention and thank God for all of the positives He’ll be adding to my life on that day before they get a chance to happen. I’m not healed. I still have moments where I feel the evil spirit of depression creeping up on me, but when I ‘feel’ it, I allow myself the moment. I throw myself into some music and prayer…almost always filled with a few tears. And I thank God for being the shoulder that I cry on in that moment, for saving me from myself in that very instance. I put my trust in Him to remove the negative feelings, and SO FAR, I’ve bounced back. Slowly but surely, I bounce back.


I need to feel You

Woman, Thou Art Loosed was an amazing experience. If you haven’t had the opportunity to go, I strongly encourage you to get your coins together NOW and make your way to Dallas in August. I’m going to do my best to make sure I get there. And I have no doubts that God will lead me to it. I REALLY enjoyed myself during this three day event. I feel renewed and closer to Him. I went with a good friend and sister in Christ, and cried to her at one point. I looked around the room and saw women shouting, fainting, speaking in tongues. And I just stood there looking around, amazed at how God was touching everyone in that place but me.


the things we do without realizing…

For the last month or so, I have been sleeping on my couch.

Yes, I have a bed. I actually have a really nice and comfortable bed. I initially thought that I was finding myself on the couch every night because I was just too ‘lazy’ or comfortable to make my way to the bed once sleep finally hit me.

However, as I look back on a few of my old tweets, personal blog entries, and conversations related to depression, I’ve noticed that I always mention my bed being the one place that I run to (and fail to remove myself from) when I’m going through a bout of depression.

During those moments of sadness, I find it hard to tear myself away from my bed. I literally stay there all day, every day and only get up to use the bathroom. Sometimes, it even pains me to remove myself long enough to do anything more than brush my teeth and use a rag to go over my face. But getting up to start any work, watch television from another room, shower, eat…none of that happens when I’m going through it.

Your bedroom is supposed to be a place of serenity, and while I have found comfort laying in my bed, I’ve also found it to be somewhat of a crutch…a place that’s hard to break away from or even see in a positive light because of what it’s typically associated with for me. Suffering from insomnia means that it’s a rarity that I get any sleep worth noting. So how else should I view my own bed? It’s a cradle that keeps me ‘comforted’ until that evil spirit decides to give me a break before coming back in to rob me of my happiness again.

I can’t live the rest of my life sleeping on my couch, but didn’t realize any of this until recently. Oddly, I haven’t had a bout of depression since my last one in July.

Related? I dunno….

Hopefully I can break this soon because again, I can’t live out the remainder of my life on a couch (and that darn bed was way too expensive to ignore lol).

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