the things we do without realizing…

For the last month or so, I have been sleeping on my couch.

Yes, I have a bed. I actually have a really nice and comfortable bed. I initially thought that I was finding myself on the couch every night because I was just too ‘lazy’ or comfortable to make my way to the bed once sleep finally hit me.

However, as I look back on a few of my old tweets, personal blog entries, and conversations related to depression, I’ve noticed that I always mention my bed being the one place that I run to (and fail to remove myself from) when I’m going through a bout of depression.

During those moments of sadness, I find it hard to tear myself away from my bed. I literally stay there all day, every day and only get up to use the bathroom. Sometimes, it even pains me to remove myself long enough to do anything more than brush my teeth and use a rag to go over my face. But getting up to start any work, watch television from another room, shower, eat…none of that happens when I’m going through it.

Your bedroom is supposed to be a place of serenity, and while I have found comfort laying in my bed, I’ve also found it to be somewhat of a crutch…a place that’s hard to break away from or even see in a positive light because of what it’s typically associated with for me. Suffering from insomnia means that it’s a rarity that I get any sleep worth noting. So how else should I view my own bed? It’s a cradle that keeps me ‘comforted’ until that evil spirit decides to give me a break before coming back in to rob me of my happiness again.

I can’t live the rest of my life sleeping on my couch, but didn’t realize any of this until recently. Oddly, I haven’t had a bout of depression since my last one in July.

Related? I dunno….

Hopefully I can break this soon because again, I can’t live out the remainder of my life on a couch (and that darn bed was way too expensive to ignore lol).

God & fraudulent messengers.

I wanted to share this video and encourage all of you to watch.

Minister Marcel Adams passed away the other day. The details of his passing have been sketchy, but there has been a LOT of (unnecessary) speculation.

This video brought tears to my eyes, as I grew to love his spirit, his push to serve the Lord, and his desire to make everyone just LAUGH…even if it was at his expense.

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Defeatism is Contagious

de·feat·ism noun \di-ˈfē-ˌti-zəm, dē-\: a way of thinking in which a person expects to lose or fail

If you’re constantly around folks who are talking about what they CAN’T do, that feeling of defeat can overcome you too. Think of it as a flesh eating bacteria; if someone else has it and you touch it or come within inches of it, you too can be impacted. The same goes for people with this “I can’t do” attitude.

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mean girls vs mean girl

So, I was checking the analytics for my Youtube “testimony” video and saw that my video was embedded on a message board. Although I kept telling myself not to go read anything on there, I did anyway. While there were at least 3 comments talking negatively about me (doubting my walk, bringing up my past…”why do hos always wanna get saved after they get all used up”….etc), surprisingly, everybody else defended me.

Even though I probably shouldn’t have said a word, I decided to anyway. Nothing nasty at all but just a small reminder to onlookers that no one has the right to doubt God’s ability just b/c of the “sinner” He’s saving. If you can believe in God for any other reason, you absolutely can believe that He’s more than capable of saving a girl that you hate a whole bunch (but don’t even know at all).

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hi, I’m high + false pride.

IMG_3758
I decided to log into an old email account that I used to use for several years. As a matter of fact, even though I don’t use that particular email addy for communication with anyone, it’s still connected to various shopping websites that I frequently visit. I logged in because I wanted to see if I could remember my old vocal coaches name. She was probably the 3rd coach I had used once I moved to Atlanta, and I really liked her. As I’m scrolling through countless emails, tossing out keyword after keyword, I chance upon a few pics from back in ‘those’ days. I was in the middle of listening to Smokie Norful’s I Understand for the 100th time. And although I (obviously) knew that these pics existed, it’s been years since I actually saw one for myself. I turned the music off for a second and just stared. My eyes……

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college, ’07

As it stands today, there are several things that I feel that I need to work on but experiencing everything that I did growing up has taught me to continue loving myself, even when times get hard. I have learned that love should involve a certain degree of reciprocity and that no matter the extent of ones past infractions against you, forgiveness is paramount in being able to deal with self. Until I am able to find that balance and truly forgive, I’ll continue telling myself the five words that provide entertainment for some but a certain level of comfort for me…..he is NOT the father.

I won’t detail what the rest of this paper was about (this was the end), but….thank God for mercy, change, and healing…

…sort of.

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