So today, I spent a good but of time listening to Joyce Meyer and just thinking about various things in general. I feel as though I am no longer able to ignore the call on my life anymore. I struggle with it a lot and have never been afraid of the platform I’ve built, but I’ve always been afraid of being rejected (again) if that call makes me appear boring. When I went into adult entertainment and was doing drugs, a LOT of people turned their back on me. This was a time where they should’ve put their arms around me and said “I’m here and I’m praying.” But instead, I got MySpace deletions, whispers between mutual friends, and changed numbers.
Do you know how upsetting it is to feel as alone as I did in those moments? People who knew me SO well, for years, turned against me. Granted, some people I deserved to lose because I wasn’t being a great friend but others?
Anyway, I have been receiving a lot of good messages today. I’ve always wondered what I should be doing with this following I’ve amassed cuz slinging teespring campaigns, blogging, and getting a few LOLs on twitter isn’t it. After having an almost 2 hour phone convo with someone else today, I also realized that asking God what He wants me to do (spelling out) isn’t my issue; my issue is being afraid of what He may say and will I be able to handle the responsibility that goes along with it. I have a story to tell and a message to share. I’m fairly certain He didn’t spare me for nothing. I’m doing Him and my gifts a huge disservice by not giving back in the ways in which He deems appropriate. I practically live my life by the Jia code; I do all the navigating on my own and when things go awry, I try and deal on my own…not realizing that He just wants His hands in it and NOTHING will go the right way until I allow this. For the last few months, I’ve been feeling as though I’m being reached out to, but I ignored it because “why me?” Who am “I?” But so many that I’ve shared this thought with asked why NOT me? I realize that I have a way of touching folks with my words, but the selfish person in me wants to hoard that gift when all He wants me to do is use it. Silly me.
I wanted to share this video because if I am called to tell my story and speak, I still want to be relatable, just as Tyrese was in this video. In the comments, one person said that his message wasn’t as felt because he used a curse word or two. And while I am a believer that most of us should be able to express ourselves and spread a good message without the use of profanity, nothing “beep worthy” took away from me receiving this blessing that he gave me in this short video.
I have no idea how to receive “what’s next.” I’m so stubborn and bossy that I’m legitimately scared that God is gonna yoke me up for trying to do things my way, as always. I’m still going about business as normal, but this video reminded me of my vision, removing things and people that don’t fit, and also that you ain’t gotta be perfect in your speech to touch somebody else’s life.
Somewhere in what I just said lies my purpose. Now I just have to stop being scared to ask God to help me craft it.
I debated for a while whether or not I would even post this. On the one hand, you never want to offend those who show support, nor do you wish to have an air of ungratefulness about you. On the other hand, sometimes things just need to be said and there’s no shortcut or cute way around simply saying it. So I decided to jump and let these rounds up off my chest. As always, folks will take it how they want to, but again, it needs to be said.
Several days ago, Alexandra Butler, an Atlanta based makeup artist, posted a video on Instagram where she asked her followers to put their money where their mouth is and support her efforts to teach them the makeup skills she’s amassed over the years. Several of her followers made requests via comment on her IG page as well as via email, asking that she venture to their respective cities and teach them what’s gotten her ahead thus far. She set up Makeup 101/102 classes in various major cities all over the US, leaving a set number of tickets available to the general public. However, after creating the classes, booking a location to teach said classes, and gathering materials (which I’m sure aren’t always cheap) for the class to be a success, she found that many of her most requested locations were barely booking, if at all. In her video, she asked her followers what was up…why make the request if you have no intentions of following through? Since seeing the video, I haven’t gone back and read any responses, but it was evident that the “likes” she received upon idea announcement didn’t match the signups for the actual class.
So what gives?
Forgiveness has little to do with loving you. Forgiveness has everything to do with loving myself enough to refrain from clouding my mind of harsh thoughts or negativity, removing the possibility of being bitter or wishing ill will.
I forgive you not for your approval but for my own heart’s satisfaction. Refusing to forgive you would result in the inability to trust anyone else, even without them committing an infraction against me. I don’t want to be in a place where I’m beating myself up over the whats, whys, and hows…nor do I wish to be riddled with guilt for your own failure to be honest with me. No one of this world is perfect, but forgiving you makes my soul feel perfect, my sanity, flawless.
Whether we forgive someone or not, never allow yourself to be placed in a position where they push you towards forgetting. It’s not only important to protect your sanity, but protect your heart as well. Forgiveness is handing you the gun & simply walking away; forgetting is handing you the gun, with bullets, and drawing a target on my body, directing you on where to shoot and waiting….
For my own sanity’s sake, forgiveness is paramount.
For my own sanity’s sake, forgetting doesn’t even rank.
In the wee hours of the morning, I received a message from a 20 year old aspiring blogger who looks up to me, but was advised by a “friend” of hers that she should look elsewhere, due to her own opinions of me and my past. I normally don’t entertain questions/comments that come in my inbox referencing things like this, but the girl who wrote to message said that she felt defeated, and I couldn’t leave her stranded (speaking of what I won’t entertain…for the love of God, please stop sending me that nude camera phone pic that’s floating around tumblr. I’ll gladly link y’all to it bc my fucks are null and I REALLY wish you guys would stop linking me to it like I care. I have officially linked you. I know what my naked body looks like. Again, I don’t care that it’s being passed around. So stop).
Anyway, I’m posting this again today so that all of you who were sleep can see it. Look man, I don’t want anything in life but to be happy, healthy, and successful. My past is extremely unsavory but guess what? I’m still here. If you rock with me in spite of, YOU are the real MVP, not me. I’m very fortunate to have removed myself from my circumstances and even more fortunate that I didn’t allow myself to grovel in any of it. Even though I’m nowhere near where I’d like to be in life, I AM a success story. And while I probably ain’t the best one to ask about how to constantly maintain a perfect moral compass, I think that I’m definitely one folks could look to on agreeing to make a positive change in your life and sticking to it.
I’m Jia. About 8 years ago, I worked in adult entertainment. During that time, I abused drugs….sometimes alcohol…but the worst abuse at my own hands was the abuse of my mind, spirit, and body. I had people who are on my friends list RIGHT NOW who had been friends of mine for years and they turned their back on me, judging me with our mutual friends (I forgive but I never forget). Through it all, my immediate family absolutely wagged their fingers at me….PRIVATELY…but always made it a point to form a united “you not finna talk about my child/sister” front PUBLICLY. My immediate family forgave me years ago, as did God. It’s a mutha fucking shame that some of you feel that you’re somehow above EITHER of those two. If you have something against me or can’t wait for me to get piss you off so you can “put me in my place with reminders,” you have the option to unfollow. But I refuse to live my life avoiding people and opportunity because YOU don’t think I’m deserving when my GOD decided at birth that I’m MORE than worthy. I don’t live my life for anyone but it’s amazing how many of you feel that I should. And Im gonna go with no, final answer.
Full question + response HERE.
A few years ago, I did a blog post stressing the importance of knowing your worth. Although the message was directed towards bloggers, the premise of the message itself could easily be applied to anything.
I have to send out another reminder for you guys, just in case you forgot or are too scared to place value in yourself as a brand. A few days ago, I received an email from a publicity company (whose name I’ll leave out of this b/c I know how ruthless some of my followers can be). In their message, they included a link to download their artist’s mixtape, making references to doing a possible write up on my blog while linking my readers to their artists music.
19 year old girl commits suicide after filming an adult movie and being taunted online about it.
I’m a Cancer and I “feel” things. When someone dies so young or tragically, I always wish that I could’ve done something to help. If they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, I always wish that I would’ve had their number or something to ask them not to go there and hang out with me instead. In this instance, I wish I could’ve talked to her before she made the decision to visit that adult film company.