I’m becoming a little bit more comfortable with opening up about my mental disorder. Depression is truly an ugly and uncomfortable thing. I’m in a good place; I wake up in the morning with intention and thank God for all of the positives He’ll be adding to my life on that day before they get a chance to happen. I’m not healed. I still have moments where I feel the evil spirit of depression creeping up on me, but when I ‘feel’ it, I allow myself the moment. I throw myself into some music and prayer…almost always filled with a few tears. And I thank God for being the shoulder that I cry on in that moment, for saving me from myself in that very instance. I put my trust in Him to remove the negative feelings, and SO FAR, I’ve bounced back. Slowly but surely, I bounce back.
Woman, Thou Art Loosed was an amazing experience. If you haven’t had the opportunity to go, I strongly encourage you to get your coins together NOW and make your way to Dallas in August. I’m going to do my best to make sure I get there. And I have no doubts that God will lead me to it. I REALLY enjoyed myself during this three day event. I feel renewed and closer to Him. I went with a good friend and sister in Christ, and cried to her at one point. I looked around the room and saw women shouting, fainting, speaking in tongues. And I just stood there looking around, amazed at how God was touching everyone in that place but me.
For the last month or so, I have been sleeping on my couch.
Yes, I have a bed. I actually have a really nice and comfortable bed. I initially thought that I was finding myself on the couch every night because I was just too ‘lazy’ or comfortable to make my way to the bed once sleep finally hit me.
However, as I look back on a few of my old tweets, personal blog entries, and conversations related to depression, I’ve noticed that I always mention my bed being the one place that I run to (and fail to remove myself from) when I’m going through a bout of depression.
During those moments of sadness, I find it hard to tear myself away from my bed. I literally stay there all day, every day and only get up to use the bathroom. Sometimes, it even pains me to remove myself long enough to do anything more than brush my teeth and use a rag to go over my face. But getting up to start any work, watch television from another room, shower, eat…none of that happens when I’m going through it.
Your bedroom is supposed to be a place of serenity, and while I have found comfort laying in my bed, I’ve also found it to be somewhat of a crutch…a place that’s hard to break away from or even see in a positive light because of what it’s typically associated with for me. Suffering from insomnia means that it’s a rarity that I get any sleep worth noting. So how else should I view my own bed? It’s a cradle that keeps me ‘comforted’ until that evil spirit decides to give me a break before coming back in to rob me of my happiness again.
I can’t live the rest of my life sleeping on my couch, but didn’t realize any of this until recently. Oddly, I haven’t had a bout of depression since my last one in July.
Related? I dunno….
Hopefully I can break this soon because again, I can’t live out the remainder of my life on a couch (and that darn bed was way too expensive to ignore lol).
I wanted to share this video and encourage all of you to watch.
Minister Marcel Adams passed away the other day. The details of his passing have been sketchy, but there has been a LOT of (unnecessary) speculation.
This video brought tears to my eyes, as I grew to love his spirit, his push to serve the Lord, and his desire to make everyone just LAUGH…even if it was at his expense.
de·feat·ism noun \di-ˈfē-ˌti-zəm, dē-\: a way of thinking in which a person expects to lose or fail
If you’re constantly around folks who are talking about what they CAN’T do, that feeling of defeat can overcome you too. Think of it as a flesh eating bacteria; if someone else has it and you touch it or come within inches of it, you too can be impacted. The same goes for people with this “I can’t do” attitude.
So, I was checking the analytics for my Youtube “testimony” video and saw that my video was embedded on a message board. Although I kept telling myself not to go read anything on there, I did anyway. While there were at least 3 comments talking negatively about me (doubting my walk, bringing up my past…”why do hos always wanna get saved after they get all used up”….etc), surprisingly, everybody else defended me.
Even though I probably shouldn’t have said a word, I decided to anyway. Nothing nasty at all but just a small reminder to onlookers that no one has the right to doubt God’s ability just b/c of the “sinner” He’s saving. If you can believe in God for any other reason, you absolutely can believe that He’s more than capable of saving a girl that you hate a whole bunch (but don’t even know at all).