A couple weeks ago, I talked about a friend that I went to high school with. As a quick recap, I said that she and I were always in competition b/c the bish was smart as hell. She was really pretty and just always had her shit together. We were also neighbors. I had been hearing talks from people in passing by that she was doing REALLY bad now…drugs being the culprit. So I decided (again, several weeks ago) that I’d make it a point to at least try> to talk to her and swore that if she ignored my gesture, I’d let it go and give it to God.

Well, I was out today getting the face jewelry changed out. Normally, I take a right out of the parking lot and then bust another right to head towards the crib but for some reason, I turned LEFT out of the parking lot today. As I turned my radio on, I even said out loud “I dunno why the hell I’m going the long way.” But just as I was pulling out, I looked to my right a few blocks into the drive and see a red Isuzu Trooper, black male driving it…and my friend sitting in the passenger seat. I was like “That’s her…I know it is.” As stupid as this may sound, I followed the car. I didn’t know where they were going or, if they noticed me following, what they would do. I just wanted to see her, ya know. *cries*

Anyway, they finally turned off to this road, he let her out and pulled off. I already knew what just popped off. I pulled up in front of her, she looked in my window and was like “OMG…girl I haven’t seen you in years.” I wanted to cry right then but I couldn’t…I was just happy she recognized me but just to make sure, I made her say my name. She was like “Of course I remember you girl…you still look the same.” And actually, she did too. I mean, you could tell that she was on something but she was still very pretty. So I said “You already know what I’m gonna say right?”

“I know, I know…R___ already told me you were looking for me. I just stared at her. Even though I know that my own life hasn’t been picture perfect since we graduated, I still couldn’t understand how anyone…well, how SHE could get that bad.

“What is going on? How have you been?” She lied and said that she was good, while she rocked back and forth. I literally wanted to push her into the car and drive the hell off. I look down a little bit and she’s pregnant. So I asked her if she was hungry. “Let me take you to get something to eat. She told me lies that she had just ate. But then she asked me if I could give her a couple bucks. At that point, I couldn’t take it anymore, ya know? I just started crying and told her that I can’t do it. I can not, I won’t contribute at ALL to her habit. She promised me that she wouldn’t use the money for anything other than ’savings’ but I didn’t believe her. A few minutes into our conversation, another truck pulled into the road where we were talking and she said “OMG I gotta go. That’s my…I gotta go.” And I just cried even more b/c it hurt me to see my friend…a real friend in that condition. It hurt like hell. I don’t think I’ve cried this hard (or this long) for a while now. She hugged me and told me she loved me…ran and got into the car. She threw up the phone signal and said “I’m gonna call you! I promise.” More lies…she didn’t have my #. So I asked her to get out of the car and get the number. She told the driver to hold on…she ran back to the car and I wrote my number down.

Please please please call me. Seriously. She said that she would and although I don’t believe her at all, there’s still this small glimmer of hope that she will.

I know that I said I’d give up. But I feel invested now. Everybody says that you can’t change people when they’re that down and out. Maybe my faith is a little bigger than a mustard seed b/c I think she can change. It truly breaks my heart to see her in the condition that she’s in and through tears, I’m writing this blog right now to say that I can’t give up. If you guys knew what she was like in school, you’d understand. Yes, people have to want to change and it’s going to be up to her to REALLY go for it. But it’d literally eat away at me everyday to know that I heard about it, I knew about it, I SAW her…I touched her. I saw her belly…and I turned away like none of it ever happened. I swear I have not cried this hard in so long…the shit hurts.

see you guys later,

j.

PS: yes I worked out today. kickboxing. headache now so I’m gonna lay down.