Can We STILL Be Friends?

That’s a question that you hear often when a relationship (or “situation”) has ended due to someone else’s misconduct or negligence.

One thing that I will say about myself is that it took me YEARS to learn how to be a friend. I’m still not perfect and have my days where I just don’t feel like being bothered with anyone (Hey…blame the #Cancer in me). I shut things out and I just do me for a day (or three). That doesn’t mean I don’t care at all. But check me out this time three to five years ago and you probably wouldn’t have wanted to fuck with me.

Because I NOW know what it’s like to not only be neglected as a friend but to also do a lot of the hurt and betraying AS a friend, I hold my friends in pretty high regard. If I call you a friend, consider yourself special b/c it’s not a title that I hand off without regard and it definitely can take a while for someone to earn it.

So why is it that when someone seems to go out of their way (in a relationship) to treat you as though you’re less than human, as though they wouldn’t think twice about you if you were to die tomorrow…that they ask you when you finally decide to let it go….“Can we at least still be friends?”

I don’t know if people choose to ask this because they are following some textbook mantra for filling dead air or if they really feel that you’re that fucking stupid.

You disrespected me…you hit me…you lied to me…you treated me like dirt. You weren’t honest, you gave away emotions…and after all this betrayal (give or take), you somehow think that I’d want to, at minimum, call you my friend?

People should learn to take a more realistic approach to the termination of a relationship. While I’m sure that no one purposely sets out to be the bad guy/girl and have a relationship fail, the fact is it happens. Because we live in a world where no one’s perfect, MOST relationships will always have an ending point. And sometimes it’s best to simply accept the fact that it is over, rather than attempting to save it because you seem to think asking for friendship is what you’re suppose to do…almost as though it’s protocol.

Friends…I hold them in a high regard. This doesn’t speak much of my expectations but again, if I open myself up and call you my friend, it’s because you’re special to me. The mature me wouldn’t lie to you, wouldn’t cheat you, wouldn’t purposely do anything to hurt your feelings. I’ll communicate with you when something goes awry and if you need me, I’ll be there. In a relationship, if you violate any of those things, how am I to trust you as my friend? Why is it acceptable for you to insist that I put my faith in you as a friend when I couldn’t even trust you enough to do the right thing as my lover?

I guess this wouldn’t be applicable if the termination of a relationship was a mutual decision where both of you CHOSE to walk away but in situations of repeated (HUGE) lies and infidelity, friendship (at least for me) is not an option.

I go into every relationship with an open mind; I trust you until you give me a reason not to. I won’t blame you for the mistakes of other people but will routinely keep my eye out when you begin showing signs indicating that you MIGHT be heading down the same path. But if there is ever a time when you feel that you can disrespect my commitment to you, scratch friendship off the option box because it no longer exists for you.

9 Comments on Can We STILL Be Friends?

  1. BtSquared2
    09/29/2010 at 3:22 am (4 years ago)

    I’m not sure what’s in the water, but I’ve been experiencing the same thing. As a natural observer, I’ve noticed that people plainly and simply take you for granted; get used to the thought and idea of you being at their disposal to use and mistreat (whether or not they realize that’s what they’re doing) and once you’ve had enough and decide to leave, they then see how great of a person/friend/lover you truly are and want another chance. Just like a child that will consciously try your nerves, then beg not to get they ass beat.

    But it’s been said time and time again, you show people how to treat you. If you treat your social circle like a revolving door, then people will in turn treat it as such. However, if you’re worthy, loyal and deserving of the 110% that you put into your friendships, then it’s only right that you permanently delete those people from your life without so much as a f*ck you. At this point in our lives, we haven’t the time or patience to expend to people that can’t appreciate when they have someone amazing standing in front of them. (sorry for the essay lol)

  2. Adena
    09/29/2010 at 3:33 am (4 years ago)

    Love the post! I must say that in my experience the friend “title” has been used as an excuse to keep the lines of communication open far beyond the expiration date on our relationship. I have used it as you described, I thought it was the right thing to do, only to find that I ain’t have to do that. LOL! And have had it said to me just for the person to be able to slide back into my life and take me over in times of vulnerability. All that to say KUDOS on this post!

  3. J
    09/29/2010 at 8:22 am (4 years ago)

    Hey Jia!Love your site, blog love ya on twitter and fb too…I don’t usually comment but this post really hit hit home.I am also a Cancerian and its amazing I can identify with most of the points you’ve brought forward. Earlier this year I was in a situation where I had to let go of my first “love” and move on after lies,cheating manipulation and being used came into play smh.As hard as the emotional process was one thing that was clear to me almost immediately is that we couldn’t be friends.I could grasp the concept of being friends with someone who did me so dirty when I was nothing but the definition of loyal.Us being friends would mean I would constantly have too keep my guard up when we interacted too much of a tiring process if someone is your “friend” if you ask me.I’ve been called immature and bitter for completely cutting him out of my life but ah well….anyway before i write a novel in your comment section just want to tell you keep up the amazing job of keeping people like myself inspired,motivated entertained and laughing Much love from a tiny rock in the Caribbean called St.Lucia :)

  4. Jia
    09/29/2010 at 10:17 am (4 years ago)

    Manipulation….THAT is one that I forgot to include in the blog and you are absolutely right. The truth is, if someone spends so much time showing so much disregard for you and your feelings/emotions, why should you give them even more ability to continue it through friendship? I wouldn’t want to be friends with anyone that I had to constantly side eye or keep my guard up with. It doesn’t seem “worth it” to me. You’ve absolutely made the right decision! Thank you for reading.

  5. Patrice
    09/29/2010 at 12:11 pm (4 years ago)

    This post was/is amazing! I am going through this right now and my simple response to him was that I am not friends with my exes. I will keep it cordial, but I take all my friendships much too serious regard him as one. Also, like you said Jia, if the neglect, lack of communication, and lies were present in an imitate relationship, what is going to be present during his proposed friendship?! Thinking about it more now, Adena is right in saying that most times that suggestion is put out there so that a window is left open for that person to slide their way back into familiar surroundings when the opportunity is presented. Hmmpth.

  6. Jia
    09/29/2010 at 4:24 pm (4 years ago)

    Right on time, huh? You’re doing the right thing.

  7. Theonly1
    10/01/2010 at 12:02 pm (4 years ago)

    Always bookmarked…may not come and read very often, and am not goin thru it right now. But, it always feels like I just got a piece of “chu’ch”!

    The major problem so many ppl (me) have is not being able to admit their (my) faults-in all aspects of their (my) life; even outside of relationships. Reading your blog helps me realize that there are always 3 fingers and a thumb pointin back at me!

    Keep writing, and I’ll go back to quietly reading/changing…

  8. Gia G
    10/02/2010 at 11:31 pm (4 years ago)

    I have to definitely side with you on this one Miss Jia, I was always painted as the bad guy when I informed one of my many exs a friendship is out of the question. If the relationship ended on bad terms i.e you did something to piss me off. Why would I now want to keep you in my life seek advice, go places, or spend time with you. I do not have many friends yet I do talk to a lot of people. You are only consider a friend in my book when you have done something that has really impacted my life in a positive fashion. I find people assuming that just because we text each other from time to time or hang out we are friends. As mother would always say don’t assume because you make a ass out of you. I always say this you are my ex for a reason, it was a life decision. And honestly I want you out of my life all together. Friendships are only code for you trying to worm your way back into my life, which I know all to well. I have made the mistake of trying to be friends with my ex, but the phone-calls and I miss you/I love you did not sit well in my stomach. I always ask what does a friendship do with a ex once the relationship has ended? Definitely if on bad terms.

  9. Tiffany
    10/11/2010 at 2:09 am (4 years ago)

    We were talking about relationships in my Stress Management class last week and this girl mentioned a saying that she’d heard once. It made since in my head, but I don’t know if I’m going to repeat it right, lol. She said trying to be friends with your ex at the end of the relationship is like your dog getting hit by a car and your mom telling you that you can keep it. The way I interpreted it was that like the dog the relationship is dead and the “happy” feelings that were there are gone and it’s time to part ways.

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