she:

Jia, i love you. i just felt like i needed to say it. i know you hear it alot, probably. but you are such a complex, charismatic, blessed person and it shows. i wish i could reach out to you and just talk (via email,IM, or something like that). just talk about thoughts and experiences. no BS, no groupie stuff, just real. i think we are similar in some ways. and i look up to you (im a youngin’).
thanks for being you and being open. i respect you & wish the best for you!
ps-i will be buying your book, no doubt.( :

Jia:

Thank you for this compliment! You absolutely rock and I appreciate it! I’ve completed a couple parts of the book but some things just make it a little harder. I realize I’m running and trying to make myself stop a lil. I’ll get there tho! I won’t disappoint! *smile*

mas118:

well i can only speak for myself, there are other ways of grooming, my molester first started by busting into the bathroom”by mistake”, then he would pick me up to touch the celing(i was 9) and would slide me down his body when he put me down ,grooming is like a series of lil test a molester will do to see if you are a perfect victim.gifts or actions it all the same and it’s fucking sick, I KNOW FOR A FACT MY LIFE WOULD BE WAY DIFFRENT if it didn’t happen to me

PBG:

I imagine that for SURVIVORS [not victims] of sexual abuse that weren’t “groomed”, the attack seems all the more savage. But I think most survivors are groomed in some way or another. It’s part of the psychological assault on a person that makes the physical abuse not only possible but sustainable over a long period of time.

Jia:

Wow. That is so sad!! I definitely think that grooming happens. I just know it doesn’t happen all the time, ya know?

Jia:

Truth. Also I want it to be noted that I am NOT saying that grooming doesn’t happen at all b/c I absolutely believe it does. I just know it doesn’t in all cases. It doesn’t make it any better or worse.

mentholsonly:

Was molested by two individuals as a child, and I find it harder to get over the situation in which I was “groomed” compared to the incident that just “happened”. You just find yourself constantly thinking about all the little “tricks” that used to be pulled to see how you would react in each situation. I find the slow and progressive mind fuck so much worse in the end.

**Nice topic Jia! And keep up the good work on all fronts**

Bobby:

Grooming can also include “setting up” a situation / opportunity for abuse.

Whilst it may have been 1 perceived incident where a child was harmed, its possible that more groundwork went into facilitating the abuse.

Unbeknownst to the child [or their family], the perp may have manipulated the situation by…
: selecting a suitable victim
: insinuating themselves into the child’s life
: gaining & building trust with the child & its parent
: undermining the relationship between the child & parent [so if the child does disclose abuse, they are less likely to be believed]
: conditioning the child to accept their touch / blurring the lines between “good” & “bad” touching

Basically, as I said – grooming is not necessarily restricted to favours from the perp toward the child.

Jia:

Awesome info. Thanks Bobby.

OMGTré!:

Grooming didn’t happen in my case….

I’m not sure what category my ‘abuse’ come under but when I was 8 in Jamaica my Grand-aunt (who I lived with) was working late and asked a senior member of the church and a family friend to pick me up from my cousin’s house (as he had to pass there and my house to get to his house). The idea was for him to drop me off at my house where my other family members were living.

I remember this night vividly, he just stopped at a dark spot and stuck his tongue in my mouth. I remember feeling confused and physically sick at the thought of his spit in my mouth.

He told me if I told anyone especially my aunt, she would beat me so I shouldn’t tell her.

He instilled fear in me because I thought if I spoke out I would get beaten plus as a senior member of the church, who would believe an 8 year old.

That was the only time it happened, whenever I was staying with my cousin and if my aunt phoned that she would be asking him to pick me up – I made sure I was asleep when I knew the time he would pass by…

Grooming doesn’t happen in every case and that’s the thing, there were no signs of his intentions so if they had to do character building or something similar to see if there were cause for concerns… he would have won.

I told my aunt when I went back home to Jamaica and she didn’t really addressed it, it’s like I didn’t tell her…

lola gets:

I think its really great that youre bringing this up Jia, because sometimes, kids arent groomed. Sometimes adults take advantage of those moments when they have a kid at their mercy.

I was molested by my babysitters brother. She had a relationship with my mom, but no one knew the brother. My babysitter was eager to make some money, so when my mom asked her to watch me at the last minute, the sitter said yes, then fobbed me off on her brother, promising to give him some of the money she was going to make. While he watched me that afternoon, he molested me, and told me not to tell anyone.

I never did. But I also never saw that man again, and now that I think about it, I dont think I ever saw that babysitter again either. My mom began leaving me with the older women who lived across the street.

While situations like this are the exception, they still occur, and its good that theres at least one person who remembers that!

L