I wanted to take a little break from working on a project that I’m doing for Kill Pink. I hit up a really good (and intelligent) friend of mine recently to ask him a few questions about business. I knew that he went to school for something business related (so sad that I don’t know his exact major though) and felt that he would be the perfect person to reach out to for questions that I had. I was beyond right. Nonetheless, he sent me a very long, but super easy to understand email breaking down ‘facts’ about business and how to run a successful company. I immediately began working on my current project based on that email.
As I’m going through some of the things that I’ve purchased over the last few months, I’m literally kicking myself in the ass over how much money I’ve spent over buying. I found myself asking aloud, “Why in the world would you buy 300+ of anything when you have NO CLUE if the item would sell or if you’d ever even use it?” But then it made me think of how I handle a lot of things in life…and why.
I know that I’ve talked about being the double H’s (hungry and homeless) before. I’m sure that I don’t have to tell you how rough something like that can be. But during that time, everything was about survival for me and being able to make it to the next moment. If a friend invited me to a house party where food was, I’d find myself overeating to the point of getting sick…just b/c I didn’t know when the next time would be that I would have food to eat. Same thing if someone took me out dinner. Although extremely rude, I would get whatever had the most ‘pieces’ to it so that I could either stuff myself OR take some home to ration out over time (until it got old and even then, food was food).
A lot of my friends didn’t know about my situation and I did a very good job of hiding it. I would accept invites to come ‘hang out’ at people’s houses and would stay…and stay….and stay (not overnight or anything but I’d literally turn what should be maybe an hour or two into a day and late night type situation) just b/c I knew that my electricity was off and I didn’t have heat in my own apartment. When I did chance upon some ‘extra’ money, I’d seriously buy the store out as much as I could b/c again, I didn’t know when I’d ever have it to do all over. Thinking back on it now, I realize that, while it may seem ‘funny’ to imagine to some, I was simply trying to survive. And somehow, that same mentality has seeped over into my ‘new’ life.
I don’t think that I do this on purpose but as I’m sitting here, typing out this blog, I realize that I still try to survive. I go to the store and buy two or more of everything. I over do it when it comes to my spending budget when it comes to my business…and even though I know that I’m ‘okay,’ I still (subconsciously) feel like I’m in survival mode…that if I don’t do something now to protect me later, I may not have it later. Ever.
I seriously hate that I’m this way. Not sure what I can do to get rid of the angst but I felt that maybe if I typed it out, that’d be my way of REALLY recognizing and owning the issue. Although I’m far from rich, I have been extremely blessed (and lucky) in the things that have happened over the last couple years. Things were never perfect in the beginning of it all, but I was thankful that people were willing to accept the fact that I wanted a new (and better) life for myself. Even for those who didn’t (and don’t), I still felt that I had to keep moving and just work to the best of my ability b/c going back to what once was isn’t an option.
I just need to learn how to internalize that and know that it no longer has to be about ‘surviving’ because I don’t ‘have’ but maintaining and making better life decisions b/c I do.