..where I’m neither happy nor sad. I’m actually a bit indifferent…but annoyed. I can’t even begin to make this make sense. But as always, when my mind is all over the place, I write.
As you guys know, I’ve been juicing for quite some time. Juicing has really helped to make me ‘think’ a lot more than what I have in the past. I seem to be analyzing EVERYTHING these days. I’ve written several times over about purpose and the importance (for ME) to find mine. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or what, but ever since I’ve been questioning my purpose, I’ve grown increasingly annoyed with my current situation.
I think that I have been abundantly blessed where my current job is concerned (blogging). I came in the game in 2009 when everybody had pretty much established themselves and who they are. After being on Youtube and of course, the very TINY spotlight that is the adult industry, I cemented myself as the blogger behind the scenes. I had no real desire to push myself in front of the camera or mingle with celebrities because when I lived in LA, that’s all I did was hang out with people who probably wouldn’t know my name the next morning. It just didn’t seem like my place.
But then I was frequently told that in order to grow your business, this is what you had to do. So I went along with it, and thought that when my time was to be, it would be…and that would be that. But with every opportunity that I had to ‘do,’ I found myself declining everything because it just didn’t feel right for me. I would go back and forth with friends and publicists, always coming up with new ideas on what ‘we’ could do to make me and the blog bigger. But that enthusiasm wasn’t there.
And today is the day where I’ve realized that this enthusiasm will probably never be there because it’s just not what I’m passionate about.
I feel horrible in even saying this b/c as I said before, I was given a wonderful opportunity that many bloggers whose website is ‘smaller’ than mine would love. No, you don’t see me hugged up with a bunch of celebs, BFF’ing them on Twitter, or sitting down for exclusive interviews. But this has always been about choice for me. It was my choice to remain below the radar because I felt that if I was thrusted further into this spotlight* that I didn’t want (at least not for my blog), it would force me to live out a lie that I didn’t think I could fake for too long. I like my blog. I like what it is that I do. But I don’t love it.
I’ve always felt that, in some capacity, I was here to help and motivate. I take greater pride in knowing that someone benefitted from my words rather than hurt from them. Yea, it’s fun to laugh and joke about these crazy ass celebrities, but do I see myself doing this well into my 40s? No…b/c at 32, I’m already annoyed with giving enough of a shit to deal with the politics of being an entertainment blogger. This is the helm of my frustration. I’m (im)patiently waiting for my confirmation on what to do next. I feel that…I was given a platform FULL of people who (whether they want to admit it or not) value what it is that I have to say. And it’s a conflict for me (at times) to keep up this charade because it’s just not what I want. It’s not what I feel is for me. And it frustrates me to NO end because there’s this HUGE expectation that I should have and be MORE but the truth is, it’s not what I want. And the things that I don’t want, I don’t get. Period.
And not to get my Kim Kardashian on, the death of hip hop manager extraordinaire, Chris Lighty, has definitely made me think long and hard about not only living my life to the fullest, but doing what it takes…by any means necessary…to put MY happiness over that of other people.
You’ve got to live your life to the fullest and most importantly, live it for YOU. You can be getting a cut of some of the biggest checks in the world, but if you don’t “feel” fulfilled within, none of that matters. This is where I am right now.
Nonetheless, I’m just having a day! It’s one of those days where you reflect and wait. That’s all you can do….is wait.
*=over the past month, I’ve been offered a couple opportunities that would definitely land me in the spotlight. Great for building MORE of a platform for future endeavors but no interest in pushing it as “Miss Jia.”