Today is one of those days….


..where I’m neither happy nor sad. I’m actually a bit indifferent…but annoyed. I can’t even begin to make this make sense. But as always, when my mind is all over the place, I write.

As you guys know, I’ve been juicing for quite some time. Juicing has really helped to make me ‘think’ a lot more than what I have in the past. I seem to be analyzing EVERYTHING these days. I’ve written several times over about purpose and the importance (for ME) to find mine. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or what, but ever since I’ve been questioning my purpose, I’ve grown increasingly annoyed with my current situation.

I think that I have been abundantly blessed where my current job is concerned (blogging). I came in the game in 2009 when everybody had pretty much established themselves and who they are. After being on Youtube and of course, the very TINY spotlight that is the adult industry, I cemented myself as the blogger behind the scenes. I had no real desire to push myself in front of the camera or mingle with celebrities because when I lived in LA, that’s all I did was hang out with people who probably wouldn’t know my name the next morning. It just didn’t seem like my place.

But then I was frequently told that in order to grow your business, this is what you had to do. So I went along with it, and thought that when my time was to be, it would be…and that would be that. But with every opportunity that I had to ‘do,’ I found myself declining everything because it just didn’t feel right for me. I would go back and forth with friends and publicists, always coming up with new ideas on what ‘we’ could do to make me and the blog bigger. But that enthusiasm wasn’t there.

And today is the day where I’ve realized that this enthusiasm will probably never be there because it’s just not what I’m passionate about.

I feel horrible in even saying this b/c as I said before, I was given a wonderful opportunity that many bloggers whose website is ‘smaller’ than mine would love. No, you don’t see me hugged up with a bunch of celebs, BFF’ing them on Twitter, or sitting down for exclusive interviews. But this has always been about choice for me. It was my choice to remain below the radar because I felt that if I was thrusted further into this spotlight* that I didn’t want (at least not for my blog), it would force me to live out a lie that I didn’t think I could fake for too long. I like my blog. I like what it is that I do. But I don’t love it.

I’ve always felt that, in some capacity, I was here to help and motivate. I take greater pride in knowing that someone benefitted from my words rather than hurt from them. Yea, it’s fun to laugh and joke about these crazy ass celebrities, but do I see myself doing this well into my 40s? No…b/c at 32, I’m already annoyed with giving enough of a shit to deal with the politics of being an entertainment blogger. This is the helm of my frustration. I’m (im)patiently waiting for my confirmation on what to do next. I feel that…I was given a platform FULL of people who (whether they want to admit it or not) value what it is that I have to say. And it’s a conflict for me (at times) to keep up this charade because it’s just not what I want. It’s not what I feel is for me. And it frustrates me to NO end because there’s this HUGE expectation that I should have and be MORE but the truth is, it’s not what I want. And the things that I don’t want, I don’t get. Period.

And not to get my Kim Kardashian on, the death of hip hop manager extraordinaire, Chris Lighty, has definitely made me think long and hard about not only living my life to the fullest, but doing what it takes…by any means necessary…to put MY happiness over that of other people.

You’ve got to live your life to the fullest and most importantly, live it for YOU. You can be getting a cut of some of the biggest checks in the world, but if you don’t “feel” fulfilled within, none of that matters. This is where I am right now.

Nonetheless, I’m just having a day! It’s one of those days where you reflect and wait. That’s all you can do….is wait.

*=over the past month, I’ve been offered a couple opportunities that would definitely land me in the spotlight. Great for building MORE of a platform for future endeavors but no interest in pushing it as “Miss Jia.”

  • MG

    I’ll support you in whatever move you make next, Jia! What I like about you is not so much the the blog at all. Beyond “Miss Jia”, I recognize your ability to think outside of the box and make things happen. Thus, I know that you’ll find something fulfilling – - it’ll come when you least expect it.

  • morgan

    Just do what makes you happy, jia.. life is too short to be livin for everybody else..you have my support

  • melissa

    I would suggest mediation and prayer when you are still and quiet there will be many things revealed to you. Your not alone there are so many people who are going through this process. I think that when you come to a place where your trying to figure things out that is when you are being introduced into a new assignment in your life just embrace it and don’t despair the longer you do the more time you leave room for distraction.

  • http://thewriteoneblog.com Stefanie

    Jia, I’ve been following you for a long time. Since the BV days and I’ve always felt you have a knack for words, engaging people, sharing your experiences and helping others. You mention that blogging isn’t your passion, do you have any idea what your passion is? Or are you still at the point of discovering? Obviously, I don’t know you personally but from where I sit I see your positive attributes and that which would have a positive impact on the world.

    I went through a similar discovery some years ago. It started with my hair, then my diet, and then the desire to understand life and my purpose. It’s all connected, as you know. Sit in silence, meditation will help you quiet your mind and discover your life’s purpose. Much success to you. If I can be of any assistance please let me know.

  • http://embracingTiffani.con EmbraceUrLife

    I think we all struggle with this and I don’t think you’ll ever really “fully” know your purpose!! I think your purpose is whatever you want or need it to be at that moment in your life! Nonetheless, don’t be so so hard on yourself because you do inspire and motivate ppl in some form or another!!

    *sigh* life can sometimes be crazy lol!!

    You’ll find your way

  • Jia

    Thanks for your comment but I disagree 100%.

    There’s no such thing as “fully” knowing your purpose. Either you know it or you don’t. Your purpose is not “whatever you want or need” at that moment in your life. That’s called a hobby. A purpose is not defined by what you need at the moment but instead, what your life’s journey is MEANT for. It’s quite discouraging, to say the least, for anyone who is looking for purpose to ever be told that they won’t ever know it. Everyone has a purpose; only those who are content with their present circumstance will ignore the need to search for it.

  • Jia

    Thanks!

    I’ve tried meditation before and I either felt like I wasn’t doing it correctly or I almost fell asleep. LMAO I’m so lame. But yea, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe I can find a book on “how” to do it. When I tried, it just never worked. I have heard that meditation helps a lot with tons of things, including just relaxing you overall. But I find that even when I’m doing something that’s meant to relax (like yoga), I’m thinking about everything BUT the fact that I’m suppose to relax and focus. So weird.

  • NellyV85

    Although I don’t personally know you, I really want you to find your purpose. Just because you can do something (and be successful,) doesn’t mean you should/have to do it. I must say that you are a natural leader and just plain attractive :-) Hell you’ve changed my life lol I feel better than I ever have, thanks to juicing. I hope you find your way!

  • Jia

    YOU made me blush. Thank you so much, Nelly! I appreciate your comment!

  • Ami

    I don’t know you a lick, but I’ll be damned if just sharing this sentiment with us isn’t your purpose unfolding in front of you. This helped me. And motivated me. So…..you’re not really waiting. You’re doing it right now. <3

  • Jia

    You have the gift of inspiring. If it was for you I wouldn’t check your blog, I wouldn’t know about natural hair, jucing, twitter, etc… You make things relavent and your honest! I value your opinion and I hope you find what your looking for but most of all I hope you find true happiness. I’m still searching myself…. Oh yea, it sucks to over analyze and think too much, I do it all them time :(

  • http://www.glamnolabelz.com Ashley

    I feel you Jia. I’m going through something similar. I’m trying to find out what my purpose is. & for me it probably will be something that doesn’t pay a whole lot, but it’s something that feels right & something I like to do. I just hope it’ll all work out for me one day.

  • http://missgraceworld.blogspot.com/ Ms.Grace

    I’m going through the same thing. I’ve been blogging as an entertainment blogger for about 3 years now . I used to love informing my readers on the latest news but now none of that interests me. I feel like there is so much more to life. I feel like there is something more that I can do instead of reporting on someone else living their life. I noticed this change after juicing, fasting and getting closer to Jesus. I find myself now reading the Bible more and learning about TRUTH. Try to find a way to use your talents and skills for God. You’ll find more fulfillment. More of Him, less of you. God bless you!

  • http://www.teen-savvy.com Nesha

    Originally I had an awful long comment. All that needs to be said is that you are an inspiration!

  • Jia

    Powerful, Ms. Grace. Thank you so much.

  • Jia

    Ah, wish you would’ve posted it.

  • Vinney91

    Jia I feel you girl. Your write up here reminds me of an episode of Oprah’s Master class with TD Jakes. They were stressing the importance of finding your purpose in life. Your purpose doesn’t necc. have to be your career, or a talent you possess/ something you do well, it has to be something that FULFILLS you. I’m looking for my inner happiness as well, days like this can be tough