‘Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.’
Before a couple years ago, I had never heard this quote before. As many of you know, I have somewhat of an unsavory past that includes a lot of drugs, tons of drinking, and even a stint in the adult industry. I remember talking to a really good friend of mine and feeling as though I had nothing to live for…as though I’d never have the opportunity to do anything with myself because I temporarily bent the needle on my moral compass. As I’m crying and asking myself ‘how could you be so stupid,’ she offered me that quote. Initially, I was taken aback like ‘Hey, girl…you calling me a sinner?’ Defiling and giving my body away could indeed be considered ‘sinful,’ but I had to take in the context of what she said instead of looking at it literally or as an insult. After having that conversation, I put myself on a mission. Even though I literally had a ‘friend’ of mine ask me ‘Well, what else are you gonna do? You might as well continue on in that life because it’s pretty much curtains for you from here on out,’ I was determined to prove her and everyone else wrong.
I’ve been bullshittin’ this entire weekend. No joke. Beyoncé came through and basically made me say fuck every single plan I had. I got zero work done. I didn’t get to mark a thing off my to do list. Did I mention my lease is up in approximately 30 days and I have no idea where I’m going? Oh.
But earlier today, I received a text from someone that I consider quite special asking me to give them a reminder. I saw the text as soon as I woke up, and thought to myself “Surely, I’ve written about this before.” I searched this blog from my phone for keywords and such to see if I could find something to serve as a reminder. No dice. Got on my laptop and tried to search again. Nothing. I KNOW that I’ve written about this somewhere, but I haven’t been able to find it yet. Nonetheless, I figured that she (and maybe someone else) could use this word so…here goes.
Since the time I first made tracks on the web (I’m thinking about 98, 99?), I’ve always had somewhat of a presence. No, this presence wasn’t rooted in looks or some sort of crazy scandal. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been told that I have a way with words and whether I’m trying to or not, I sort of command a certain level of attention. I even feel weird typing this out right now because it sounds more self absorbed that I’d like to sound, but I feel that it’s the best way to lead into what I’m about to say.
Posted this on Facebook, so it’s a direct copy and post with no edits.