Alright, for whatever reason, I had to move to this apartment with this girl who was extremely dirty/disorganized. She had stuff all over the place…clothes, shoes, papers, bookcase with books EVERYWHERE. Her mattress was set up on a box and she had a leak in her ceiling. I remember that I met her in passing at what FELT like Chapel Hill, somewhere near where old well is (and if you’ve paid attention enough, you know that I went to UNC Chapel Hill, although I didn’t graduate).

Nonetheless, I remember talking with her briefly and then we parted ways…but somehow, we ended up being room mates.

To get to her house, I had to walk through this really grassy area that looked exactly like this area in my Mother’s (great great grandmother, RIP) backyard. But instead of there being a fence, I remember these guys came up to me and said that I would need to climb down this well thing on one side, but when I got down to the bottom of the well, I could walk up this broken, really shaky stairwell. I was scared to go down b/c I was afraid I would fall (I felt my heart beating really fast in my sleep) but I did it anyway.

So when I got to the other side (after damn near falling off the shaky stairs), I remember my heart slowing down and was walking towards my room mates house. I was approached by an extremely attractive white guy…can’t even tell you where I had seen him before but I just know he was REALLY cute and was walking this chocolate lab. I remember dropping something and he picked up, flicked a cigarette away from us and began having small talk with me. I gave him conversation for a second before saying that I had to go. And he said that it was cool, that he was just trying to be nice to an attractive lady.

I said (what I thought was in my head but he must’ve heard it), ‘What in the world would a white guy that looks like THAT want with me?’ VERY weird b/c that’s some self esteem shit I just don’t have in real life.

Nonetheless, I appeased the conversation and gave him my #. He said, “I hope that I see you around,” and he turned to walk in church (yes, another church dream).

So I went into my room mates house and began unpacking clothes and trying to lay them neatly in my designated spot. She then said, ‘We gotta go to class,’ so I pushed everything to the side.

Before we left, I took note of a window in our bedroom (yes, we were sharing a bedroom but not a be). The window only had about a watermelon sized opening in the upper right hand corner. The rest of the window was covered by a bookshelf that was moved in front of the window.

So we went to some class where we learned about banking and checks. I remember when we went in, my room mate walked and sat with some other people…and it seemed like her area was bigger than where I had to go learn. She was sitting in an area that looked like a call center and I was sitting at a small table, wedged between two black women. There were about 4 other people at the table.

The lady on the right grabbed my hand and said that we have to pray before we got started. The lady to my left had already began writing up checks and things, and as I grabbed her hand, I remember her barely wanting to hold mine. I gave her a funny look like ‘Girl, you’re suppose to hold hands when you pray; don’t act like you don’t know this.’ So when we got done, I remember getting up to go to the bathroom and walking down this hallway that I NOW remember as being my dads church. This is the church that I went to as a child with my father, afte they rebuilt on the old church grounds (the old church is STILL right next to the new church to this day, by the way).

I remember going into the church and it turned into another church and on the inside, it looked like this predominantly white church that my mother use to attend when they first bought their house back in 1987. I LOVED going to this church b/c I NEVER had to stay with the old people; they had these classes you could go to, depending on your age and we always had a really good time.

Anyway, I remember taking a seat and for whatever reason, I was looking for that white guy that was at the beginning of my dream. This lady that sat next to me kept asking me, why are you looking for him? What purpose does he serve? I just told her that I didn’t know but I needed to see him. She told me ‘You need to just get over it because he’s not even here anymore.’ I said, ‘Wait, how do you know who he is? I don’t remember talking to you about him.’ She just started singing and clapping her hands.

I remember I got up and put on a winter coat (peacoat, just in case there’s some significance). I went outside and by this time, it was a little dark (that time before it goes totally dark outside?). I walked back through that same grassy area where my great grandmother use to live and I remember seeing this group of girls trying to go down these crooked stairs. I told them “No please don’t take those stairs. I saw someone go down those stairs earlier and they almost fell. Look, take this way.” And I Pointed them to the stair area that I took earlier. None of them listened to me but I watched them all disappear as they went down the stairs and never came up to the other side.

So I went down the area that was familiar to me…it was still really shaky but when I got to the other side, my room mate and another girl were standing there. I remember before we got to the house, she said to me, ‘I’m gonna be so mad if my stuff is gone.” I had no idea what she was talking about but when we walked in the house, everything looked the same to me.

We walked back to the bedroom and she was talking on her cell phone. She was a little ways ahead of me and she said “Those bastards stole my TV!” So I looked around the room, not even noticing that a tv was there in the first place, let alone one for someone to steal. I said, ‘Girl, with all the stuff that’s in this house right now, why in the world would they just take the TV? And the front door was locked when we came in so where did they get in????’

I remember looking up at the window again where it was that watermelon sized hole and we both noticed that a bald headed white guy was looking through it. I thought it was weird b/c we were on a high level floor, with no balcony. So for him to be able to be up there plus see in the window was weird.

We both screamed and thought that would make him go away. Then another guy appeared…the same white guy that I thought was cute…and he started shooting through the hole with a machine gun. I remember seeing the bullets come in and he dropped his cigarette b/c the shooting kinda threw it out of his mouth. I watched as he killed my room mate…and the other girl that was in there, and then some random guy.

I remember saying ‘Yall please…go up the stairs (I have NO clue where those came from) like this (as I demonstrated how to run, in lunges, up the stairs)! If you do it like this, you won’t get shot, I PROMISE.”

But again, nobody listened. I went up about 4 or 5 different sets of stairs but with each level, I’d see the machine gun bullets being shot through…literally pouring in. And I remember that every time I THOUGHT I made it to the very top where he couldn’t shoot anymore, I was still running….

And this is where I felt my heart racing really fast and woke myself up. Pissed b/c I’ve only had less than 2 hours of sleep but whatever was happening made me cry too so I had to get up.

I think I may have talked to him a good three or four times today. It’s actually a record b/c I usually maybe talk on the phone with him once or twice in a week…briefly. But today was different. I think that I invited certain things into my ‘space’ that really caused my entire day to be sort of messed up.

There’s so much going through my mind right now. Since I first started blogging back in 2004, I’ve used a personal blog as a way of expressing whatever was on my mind at the moment. Good, bad, indifferent…if it needed to be said, it was likely posted on public domain for all to see. I got so use to the idea of not being able to keep a physical journal (they’d be thrown away) that the thought of having one now just seems so foreign. Learned behavior, I suppose….

Where do I begin….

I’ve blogged many times (both in written form and on Youtube) about my (past) life not being the best in the world. I’ve made a ton of not so good decisions that could ultimately impact me for the rest of my life. I’ve lied, I’ve cheated (not in dating relationships…), I stolen things. I’ve been hungry, homeless, hopeless. I’ve been a bad friend, a bad sibling. Anything that you can put the word ‘bad’ in front of, it’s likely that I’ve been it.

I’m 31 now. And while I still feel as though I’m a work in CONSTANT progress, I also know…factually….that I’ve grown into a much better person. There are people out there who will decide not to believe that for one reason or another…some reasons more valid than others. But I do know that I have changed a lot. I’ve outgrown certain things and people. And sometimes, I don’t take heed to that.

Without going into too much detail (in other words, don’t look for specifics…not today), I will say that there are people and things that I’ve held on to…things and people that I’ve needed to let go of for quite some time. You know how you have a situation that just doesn’t work out? No matter how much you try to mold it into whatever cute piece of art you’d like for it to be, the picture is still distorted? That’s where I am right now with a lot of things and people. There are things that have become so commonplace in my life that it seems that letting go or moving beyond it is damn near impossible. Or at least I thought it was.

There’s just no explaining your position sometimes. There are people out there who, no matter what your personal intentions are, will try to break you in every way imaginable. You’re so blinded by a kind gesture, a compliment, a random ‘reach out,’ that you don’t think back on any of the reasons why you ‘left well enough alone’ in the first place.

Anytime you can reflect on memories of your past with someone…or something….and the majority of the things you remember have some negative stigma attached to it, leave it alone. Sometimes you have to be hit with the ‘reality of your past’ to understand that your current situation is no longer the same. And because of that, the people that you surround yourself with, the things that once seemed all too familiar….they all have to change too. It’s not really about ‘forgetting where you’ve come from’ but instead, remembering that you have places to go. And being held back by people who aren’t forward thinkers, those dark clouds, or ‘negative Nancys’ won’t help your progress in the long run.

When I blog like this, I find myself being a part of that backspace life a lot. I really hate to feel as though I’m being ‘preachy’ or trying to paint myself a perfect person. It took me a long time to admit what many of my on internal flaws are; it was no easy feat. But I also feel that with every layer of skin I shed, it’s just necessary for me to speak on it. Being real with myself out loud (even if it is on a blog) has really helped me put things into perspective…not only with myself but the things and people around me. And the more clearer the picture, the more obvious it becomes that sometimes, you really have to let go.

I was really tried like SHIT at least twice today; as previously stated, I feel that I sort of invited certain things in my space b/c I started my morning off talking about something and then bam! The exact same thing comes slapping me in the face. And right after that, that ‘lesson’ I talked about in outgrowing people and things and simply letting go.

I’m truly a work in progress; I still get angry and sometimes fly off the handle about people and things that I don’t need to. I’m working on that. I’m working to fix what I can b/c I feel that I deserve more. In the past I punished myself. I punished myself for the bad decisions I’ve made regarding my lifestyle & the bad decisions I’ve made in choosing ‘who’ to involve in my life (be it on the friendship or relationship tip). But with everyday, I swear I grow more and more comfortable with saying ‘no more.’ I refuse to surround myself with people and things that aren’t conducive with my growth. I also refuse (although it’s extremely hard at times) to let the ills of past dictate the details of my future.

To anyone and everyone who’s supported throughout…even if you never agreed with ANYTHING I’ve EVER done….I thank you. I’m changing the name of the blog from SheSoFly.com to More Than Myself. I’ll use this as a reminder that with each time I write and detail any aspect of life through my eyes, I’m growing to become a better person than I was the day before….with or without you. I’m more than myself.

* sorry if this blog is all over the place; benadryl. YOLO.

As I’m going through some of the things that I’ve purchased over the last few months, I’m literally kicking myself in the ass over how much money I’ve spent over buying. I found myself asking aloud, “Why in the world would you buy 300+ of anything when you have NO CLUE if the item would sell or if you’d ever even use it?” But then it made me think of how I handle a lot of things in life…and why.

I know that I’ve talked about being the double H’s (hungry and homeless) before. I’m sure that I don’t have to tell you how rough something like that can be. But during that time, everything was about survival for me and being able to make it to the next moment. If a friend invited me to a house party where food was, I’d find myself overeating to the point of getting sick…just b/c I didn’t know when the next time would be that I would have food to eat. Same thing if someone took me out dinner. Although extremely rude, I would get whatever had the most ‘pieces’ to it so that I could either stuff myself OR take some home to ration out over time (until it got old and even then, food was food).

A lot of my friends didn’t know about my situation and I did a very good job of hiding it. I would accept invites to come ‘hang out’ at people’s houses and would stay…and stay….and stay (not overnight or anything but I’d literally turn what should be maybe an hour or two into a day and late night type situation) just b/c I knew that my electricity was off and I didn’t have heat in my own apartment. When I did chance upon some ‘extra’ money, I’d seriously buy the store out as much as I could b/c again, I didn’t know when I’d ever have it to do all over. Thinking back on it now, I realize that, while it may seem ‘funny’ to imagine to some, I was simply trying to survive. And somehow, that same mentality has seeped over into my ‘new’ life.

I don’t think that I do this on purpose but as I’m sitting here, typing out this blog, I realize that I still try to survive. I go to the store and buy two or more of everything. I over do it when it comes to my spending budget when it comes to my business…and even though I know that I’m ‘okay,’ I still (subconsciously) feel like I’m in survival mode…that if I don’t do something now to protect me later, I may not have it later. Ever.

I seriously hate that I’m this way. Not sure what I can do to get rid of the angst but I felt that maybe if I typed it out, that’d be my way of REALLY recognizing and owning the issue. Although I’m far from rich, I have been extremely blessed (and lucky) in the things that have happened over the last couple years. Things were never perfect in the beginning of it all, but I was thankful that people were willing to accept the fact that I wanted a new (and better) life for myself. Even for those who didn’t (and don’t), I still felt that I had to keep moving and just work to the best of my ability b/c going back to what once was isn’t an option.

I just need to learn how to internalize that and know that it no longer has to be about ‘surviving’ because I don’t ‘have’ but maintaining and making better life decisions b/c I do.

Ever since the launch of Kill Pink, I have had nothing but ideas. It’s crazy how many things have run through my mind over the course of a few weeks.

There’s this amazing loft office space that I looked at long before KP even had a name. I remember thinking of how perfect it would be as not only an office space but as a place where some of the stock can be kept (on racks). It has huge windows, several areas for desk space and then long walls where racks on racks on racks of things could be. I said (at that time), “Man, there’s no reason for me to look at this; I mean, hell I don’t even have a NAME yet.” And now I do…and the office space is STILL available. Maybe it’s a sign.

I’m in no rush to do any of that. But I’ve said for a long time that it’d be dope to have a place to go to not only get out of the house…but also to force me to put some hours in and really work…and really feel as though I’m working. Trust, I get it in here at the house but as I begin to consider getting a staff and interns, my house just won’t be a feasible spot for all that I’m trying to do!

I’m making a lot of positive strides. And even though there are people out there who don’t think that I deserve it, I feel very optimistic about the future. Maybe I’ll at least go LOOK at the place; it sure would be amazing to have!

If only I could get my life size Oprah photo in my signature colors. She’d hang in the office space where I could see her everyday and remind myself of the future.

Since launching my other business venture, I have been extremely busy. From 7 or 8 in the morning until the wee hours of the night, I am up to my neck in business. Don’t get me wrong; I am NOT complaining and happy to have the support. I just don’t have help right now. And because I don’t have help and am stressed out/overwhelmed, I have found that it’s much easier for me to eat those emotions than it is to just…deal.

Help isn’t easy to get. It’s all in who you trust and to what extent you’d trust them. There are people out there who would love to help just b/c they want to be a part of your ‘team’ to watch you grow; then there are others who would want to help with other motives in mind. How do you discern between the two? You can’t, really. They always say that it’s not a great idea to ‘hire’ friends but if not them, then who?

I’m very blessed right now. Extremely blessed that people love Kill Pink as much as they do. It’s really doing a lot better than I expected and it makes me feel good to know that my pre-efforts weren’t in vain. But being a one woman show is no joke. If anyone ever tells you differently, ask them to show you their magic wand and mini-Jesus they keep in their pocket. That’s the only way.

I recently started working out with two trainers here in Atlanta…Ellen & Lana Ector. I go 5 days per week. You can pretty much look at it as a bootcamp of sorts…we never do the same things twice. I’ve learned with Beach Body products that muscle confusion is often the best way to drop the weight.

Within the first 14 days of working out, I lost 11 lbs. Now that I’ve been lifting weights via my trainers, I’m not losing any weight…just inches. And I’m losing it all in my upper body and anywhere below my knees. Umm, hello fat…can you remove yourself from my thighs, please and thanks?

Even my eating has been on point. Admittedly I had something like Zaxby’s during my second week. But I felt so SICK after eating it that I said that I’d just leave the fried foods alone b/c they’re obviously not agreeing with my stomach these days. I still have sushi every now and then. That’s not too bad, right?

I haven’t been back to bikram since that one day. I did enjoy it and think it would be a wonderful addition to my current lil’ system…I’m just not sure how I can fit it in. We’ll see though b/c I think the stretching and muscle relaxing benefits will prove worth it in the end.

I’ve made a promise to myself that this time, I’ll stick it out. No matter what, I WILL hit the gym. I WILL continue working on my eating…and overall, I’ll just remember that a part of loving myself includes taking care of myself. I’ve neglected that for too long; it’s beyond to get (and remain) serious.