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Best wishes!
Yours

——————————————-

What?

Okay…in my circle of friends, I’ve learned who I can and can’t rely on. I know who I can ring up for advice anytime I need it; I know who to call if I were to have a flat on 285; if I need advice on how to cook a certain dish (on down to the heat of the stove), I have someone for that too.

But me? I think that I can be all types of friends but I’d much rather tell you the type of friend I’m NOT.

This Friday on The Dirty Panties radio show, we’re going to talk about cheating. We’re actually going to have two male guests in the studio, so it should make for an interesting conversation. For some strange reason, I seem to have a troth of women around me who seem to have no problems dating someone who is not 100% free…and it seems that every.single.time something goes WRONG in this “relationship,” I’m the one that (most) run to for coddling.

Why for?

Let me tell you…I have witnessed first hand what cheating does in a relationship/marriage. I don’t bother pointing fingers because at the end of the day, the cheater (and the one helping the cheating) is responsible.

So when this already cheating ass dude steps out on you, treats you disrespectfully, does something that is uncharacteristic of a “good man,” why are you acting surprised?

Further, why are your emotions involved in it to the point of your mood changing (and ultimately changing the mood of everyone around you)?

My apologies to anyone who thought so…but these IM’s and texts that I’m getting today are seriously killing my already pissy mood. He’s cheating on you? Why are you surprised? AIN’T HE CHEATING WITH YOU?

He said/did something totally out of line or disrespectful? Oh…imagine how his girlfriend/wife would feel if she knew about you.

Attention ladies…accepting one half of a third of a PIECE of a man is never favorable. Not only does it show how LOW your self esteem is, it also shows how I probably should never feel comfortable having any type of man around you because hey…you just might shade me the way you’re shading the other chick.

You’re not ’special’ because he calls you more often than the average cheater calls his side line (and remember…that IS what you are).

You’re not ‘better off’ because you know about her and she doesn’t know about you. It only means that you’re knowledgeable of the bullshit that someone is taking you through and like a dumb ass, willingly give the mess a pass.

Many of you piss me off rationalizing this type of shit in your mind. And because many of you are willing to accept this piece of a man, those same men approach me on the streets thinking I’d be down to bump no no areas with them because you did.

Buddy has me full circle fucked up. And so do you…

I’m sick of it. I don’t know if I wear something similar to a “kick me” sign for women who think that this type of madness is acceptable but the buck stops here. I’ll continue being friends with you but I do NOT want to hear anymore about your “Alicia Keys/Swizz Beatz” type problems.

I’m not “that” chick. I don’t care who you are, how long we’ve been friends, etc. Just because I’m a friend to you doesn’t mean that I am required to cosign, agree with, pop bottles for or dougie to every decision that you make in your life. Just as I don’t have those same expectations for you and mine, it can be dually noted that neither of us accepts bullshit.

If you open your legs to men who are already taken and he fucks you over, DO NOT COME TO ME! As your friend, I’ll listen for as long as my ears can tolerate your ridiculous excuses, unnecessary tears and incessant whining.

But when it’s time to offer you the “everything’s gonna be alright” mimicry (courtesy of Naughty by Nature, thank you very much) you won’t find it here. The only thing I can offer is a healthy dose of a silent (but deadly) I told you so. You won’t get any epic slave crys out of me. You made your bed, chose to sleep with HIM in it…now lie in it by yourself.

I will NEVER be that type of friend. Sorry.

Thanks.

Oh and don’t forget to vote for me for Best Personal Blog here at the 2010 Black Weblog Awards HERE. Vote as many times as you want, please…

I wanted to do this quick blog entry for those of you who are blogging (whether you’re new or somewhat seasoned) who may not be privy to this sort of information. Truthfully speaking, what I’m about to share should be considered common knowledge but I don’t fault anyone for not knowing better. Since a lot (not all) of larger bloggers usually withhold certain pieces of information, every now and then, I’ll share with you my own experiences. You can either take it and use it to your advantage or completely ignore it. But somewhere out there, there’s somebody that can benefit.

When I started my blog in June 2009, I had no clue what the possibilities were. Even in witnessing some of the huge transformation of some of my favorites, I was still somewhat oblivious to how the blogging game worked. I asked questions, I google’d, I did all that I had to do to fill my head with as much knowledge as possible. Although I am absolutely NOT in the same ranks as some of the more notable bloggers, I will say that I have learned quite a bit. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned (aside from DO NOT WORK WITH AD GROUPS) is that it’s important to know you and your blogs worth.

There are several of you who will read this and write it off as something that you don’t need to hear…either b/c you’re blog is already the shizzle dizzle or because you seem to think that because you don’t have the same large audience that some of the bigger blogs have, you have to take what you can get. But every publicist, label, marketing director, etc., is NOT looking out for you and your best interest. Trust me.

Once you start a blog, what generally happens is you’ll get contacted by various publicists or street teams, people from labels, etc., who are looking to get the most publicity possible for their artists/clients. The emails usually read as follows:

Hey _______ (and feel blessed if they spelled your name right or remembered to change it from another blogger’s name to yours)!

I wanted to tell you, first of all, that I love your blog. I have been reading it for a while and am a huge fan. I wanted to see if you could post this story on _______, a new artist signed with XYZ records. I’m sure your readers would love it.

Let me know when/if this is possible, so that I can send you exclusive pics/videos/performance dates/social security numbers/blood types, etc.

Now, if you’re a new blogger, the first thing that comes to mind is your level of crunkness that ______ from ________ label or PR firm contacted YOU in the first place. The second thing that I’m sure you notice is the word exclusive.

Aside from the fact that 98% of the time, I have NEVER heard of the artists that they’re throwing around in my inbox, I often question….what makes you think that whatever information that I publicize about your client is going to benefit me and my readers?

And usually you won’t receive just one email. That’s not how it works. You’ll continuously get emails saying that they can grant requests for interviews (keep in mind, you didn’t ask for it), continue sending you exclusive whatevers…just enough to sucker you in.

So you bite the bait. You post all the material that you were given by John Q. Publicist. You interact with them several times via email and you’re excited as hell that you’ve established this “relationship” with this publicist. But then _______’s album drops or movie debuts. You log on to _______’s popular blogsite and see that the celebrity you’ve been responsible for publicizing over the past couple weeks/months has placed paid advertisements on the blog (be it in the form of banner ads, sponsored posts or site take overs) while you sit with your regular ass wordpress background and Google ads (with NO love from whoever’s in charge of the artist/celeb you just helped publicize).

Feels shady, doesn’t it?

THIS is where I say you should know your worth. I am not, in ANY way, trying to shade any bloggers, big or small. The fact is, there is enough money out there to go around 10 times over. But if that publicist was able to find and email you, requesting that you ’scratch his/her back,’ why shouldn’t they ’scratch’ yours in the form of advertising dollars? I mean, you did throw out some publicity for their client, right? It’s not about whether or not you’re as big as _______; it’s the fact that you were contacted about helping to draw publicity to their client, you complied and rightfully so, you should be compensated for it. You may not get as many hits as a bigger blogger…but John Q. Publicist surely believed that SOMEBODY was reading your shit well enough to contact YOU and have you write about their artist/client in the first place.

Granted, I will say that sometimes, in order to foster relationships, you may have to bend over a little. Every now and then, doing something for a publicist/marketing company now could mean bigger and better opportunities for the future. But where do you draw the line? How do you differentiate between those who are truly trying to establish positive relationships with you versus those who are simply trying to “get it in” for this one client real quick before they bounce on to the next blog to pay them instead of you?

A perfect example would be a couple months ago…a certain entertainer’s publicist hit me up and said that they were interested in getting some publicity for their clients upcoming project. They said that, in addition to having an album release, he/she was also working on collaborating with another company for some new products. She said that they’d send me samples of the products, exclusive information about her client and also offer me the opportunity to interview and get pictures. Well, some of the things I posted…not only b/c of the publicist’s request but also because I am a fan. Weeks go by…this person releases their new album. Almost every single blog I visit had SOME sort of paid advertisement from this artist’s label and MissJia.com had zilch. And truth be told, I don’t fault anyone but myself in this situation; but I do want to drive the point home that it doesn’t have to be YOUR job (as the smaller blogger) to do the dirty work while other bloggers get the pay check. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying in an email, “Mr./Mrs. ______, thanks for providing me with new information regarding your client, _________. I also wanted to know if I would speak with you directly about possibly having some advertisements placed on my site during the day/few days before your client’s album release?” See what the response is…if they get silent on you, it’s a safe bet that you’re not likely to get anything in terms of advertising dollars. Don’t hesitate to ask if there’s another contact that you could speak with regarding promotion for the client so that you can forward a media kit/rate sheet. It’s their business to publicize their client; it’s your business to assist them AND make money.

A lot of times, I see many bloggers doubting themselves because of their numbers; they seem to think that they should simply take whatever treatment necessary because it’s assumed that all blogs are doing it. While I definitely support making business decisions with an open heart, you have to also learn that it is IMPERATIVE to operate a business with a sound mind. Making a good business decision now could mean the difference in making a few quick bucks here and there every month to making enough for you to comfortably live off (and still walking away with your dignity, not feeling as though you’ve gotten fucked in a deal).

Pick your poison wisely. You don’t always have to slight yourself to ‘get in.’

They are the following:
I-20 east and west
I-75 north and south
I-85 north and south
I-675 north and south
GA-985 north and south
GA-316 east and west
GA-400 north and south

5 mph above the limit can justify a ticket and every state trooper is supposed to pull a car over and write a ticket every 10 to 20 minutes. They have issued 30 brand new unmarked Dodge Charger Police cruisers and are bringing in all of their part timers on full time. If you work in the Atlanta area, you will probably take one of these highways. It’s up to you how fast you are going when they clock you.

WSB and WXIA & CBS confirmed all of this. So be safe and don’t forget speeding tickets are on you.
Look for city and county governments to adopt similar polices in the near future.

In other words, dude just never accepts responsibility for his own actions. It’s easy as hell for me to ’see’ what he won’t admit b/c I use to be the same way. Anytime some cloud was placed over my head, I had always had someone else to blame for the rain. It was never me though. And although it took me a couple of years to really learn to accept my own shortcomings and know that when things go wrong, sometimes it is, indeed, my own fault, I learned. Period.

Just recently, he came over my house to visit me and just as he was getting ready to go, he asked me if he could “hold $20″ to put in his gas tank because he thinks that his relative has his gas card. Dumb question ahead: I asked him, “well, do you not have your bank card?” He fumbled around in his wallet for a minute, pulled out a card and said something along the lines of “Dang…I have the wrong one in my wallet.”

No, sir….there is no gas card. And sir, you have the RIGHT card in your wallet…it just doesn’t have any money on it.

After that conversation, I became ridiculously annoyed with him but incidents like these are regular occurrences. I understand that we have our moments where life is a bit unkind to us. But how much growth are you allowing yourself to experience if you NEVER accept responsibility for your circumstances? Life does deal us shitty hands of cards but at the end of the day, it’s all in how you play them.

I’ve known this guy for about three years now and in ALL three of those years, he’s NEVER had it together. NEVER. On the one hand, I feel bad for him but on the other, I see a man guy who isn’t really willing to have more or be more b/c he won’t own up to his own shit. I’ve tried on several occasions to sit down with him and help him ‘figure things out,’ but it always falls on deaf ears.

Quite frankly, I’m tired of trying. Own up to your shit, dude.

Oh and PS: I didn’t give him that $20.

For those of you who don’t know the fundamentals of reading (or just don’t have the time), let me give you a break down.

THIS article basically states that b/c women are given the right to abort a child without their partners consent, men should also be allowed to choose not to be responsible for a child if they feel that they were somehow “tricked” into being a daddy. The article goes on to say that women have been given the right to handle their bodies in whatever they see fit, yet men tend to have no recourse. Imagine if this were indeed a law all across the United States. There’d be a LOT of men crying foul on the daily.

While I definitely understand the subject’s viewpoint, I just don’t think that this is the greatest idea. What do you ladies (and especially men) think?

One of the articles that popped up was THIS one where a woman details a relationship that she chose to terminate because the man that she was seeing didn’t want to have kids right now.

I read the whole thing because I wanted to know what the outcome was. Did the guy eventually cave in and let some sperm loose in her vag or did she bid him adieu because he refused to immediately give her her way.

While I thought that the story was interesting, there were a couple things that would probably make ME feel pressured (if I was the male in this situation):

1. I think that it’s super important to have ‘talks’ when you’re choosing to actively date someone. If you aren’t upfront about your religious beliefs, morals, jobs/salaries, kids, etc., then you probably are in for a rude awakening later down the line. But what struck me as ‘odd’ from this article is that even though they did have that initial talk, they both seemed to ‘plan’ to have a baby together after two years of dating. Maybe I need to go back and re-read but I didn’t see anything about marriage in there. Don’t get me wrong; I am NOT one that believes that you HAVE to be married before you have kids. I just thought that it was interesting that this wasn’t something brought up from the door.

2. I definitely feel ole girl regarding the biological clock. One of my friends said that it seems that once you hit 30, you begin to hear it ticking and you can either respond to it or continue hitting snooze. After reading this article, it just seems like it was something that she talked about…constantly. Probably a bit too much. If I’m not mistaken, that’s something like nagging. Again, I understand the whole deal about getting it while your eggs are able but being nagged is no fun.

I guess that’s it. I just thought I’d share the article with you guys b/c I found it interesting.

How do you guys handle these sorts of things? I’m sure that the majority of you aren’t ready to have kids (assuming that you don’t have them already). But even if you do, how imperative is it to have the “children talk” when you’re dating someone new? For me, it’s not something that I immediately bring up; I actually wait for the guy to bring it up only because (as she said in the article) I wouldn’t want him to think that I’m after him for a kiddo.

Yup.

So I started working on more of my book last night. I got to a part…well, several times I’ve gotten to parts where I felt that I needed to mention an ex boyfriend b/c of their significance in that part of the story. If you were writing a book about a certain period of time in your life, would you also feel the need to explain to the ex why they were brought into the story? Explain.

Thing is…I never felt that he was obligated to do anything for me. We dated throughout high school, broke up b/c he moved to another state and ended up getting back together when we were both away at college. We had a really good relationship and although we broke up for reasons that we disagree on, I still felt that above everything else, he was a friend.

While I was out in Cali, there were a lot of things that were going on…not just things that the human eye could see but also inside my mind. Again, I can’t say much but the only thing I will say is that I needed a friend. During the time when I felt the most ‘broken,’ I reached out to him. And….

I can’t even tell it without giving away too much. I spoke with a fairly well known author a few months back who told me “Don’t think about it. When you wake up in the morning and go along with your routine, pull out your laptop, open up your notepad and just write. Write until you’re tired, write until you can’t write anymore. You’ll know when the book is finished.” I think that it’s easier said than done. The majority of this person’s writing is based on things that she’s created in her head but my book deals with an emotional part of my life. While I know that my story may not be as horrid as someone else’s, I still find myself stopping mid sentence sometimes, thinking back to the exact moment that I’m typing about. I think about how alone and insecure I felt…how my self esteem had been so bruised…how I continuously put on this fake brave/happy face but I was hurting…bad. I can’t even begin to describe the hurt that I felt.

My goal isn’t to get people to feel sorry for me b/c again, I’m a grown woman who made a very grown (yet immoral) decision that I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. And although I’m not sure that I’ll ever be at 100% (mentally), I do know that I have come a LONG way from that person. It really hurts to think about some of the relationships that I fostered, some of the habits that I picked up, the people that I hurt, the attitude change…the whole 9. It’s just moments I don’t like going back to, not just b/c of the hurt but b/c I know that it’ll revive old thoughts of things that people said and did to me. My way of coping with the way people turned their backs on me is to push it in the back of my mind. But writing last night…it brought up some things.

Without question, I can be tough as nails. I have my spirit to protect. And sometimes it hurts to let my guard down long enough to let that spirit speak.

We’ll see….

If I haven’t, allow me.

Before I get into my mini-rant, let me preface it all by saying that what I am about to post is NOT to say that I discriminate on WHO I do business with. At the end of the day, if there’s a service that I need and there’s a person or group of people who are not Black that are able to give it to me, trust me…I’m all for it. However, I have always been one to strongly support Black businesses. No real reason…I’m just always happy to see my people ‘win.’ However, I really need to say that there are some Black businesses out there that REALLY need to get their act together. And I’m speaking from my PERSONAL experience.

Without straight up mentioning names, we’ll call the company in question the Aggravation Agency. When I started my blog back in 2009, I was told by another blogger that I should contact _____ at the Aggravation Agency and begin working with them because they do a LOT for urban bloggers and would be a good start for me. I contacted them and was immediately put on.

The first thing that should’ve been a sign about AA was the customer service. Anytime I’ve emailed, called or sent out a smoke signal, I got little to no response. When I DID manage to be told that the people over the company were still breathing, the answers I received were short and choppy and oftentimes somewhat condescending.

I let it go though…not b/c of the money (trust me, it was never enough to keep mum about) but b/c I didn’t want to ruin any potential possibilities or networking opportunities with them or anyone else.

I quickly added two more ad agencies to my “list” of incomes and once I saw how they operated, I began to give the side eye to AA. Late payments (or no payments at all), unwillingness to explain HOW I got paid or how often, returning emails with a nasty attitude. I was over it. After having a discussion with another blogger about the issues that she was having with the same agency, I decided that it’d be best to cut my losses and just be done with them. I asked the ‘owner’ to cut me my final check and let’s part ways.

Fast forward to about a month and a half ago. I was sent an email by the owner of the company asking me would I be interested in doing an ad campaign for a major hair company. He went on to explain that he understands how things were in the past, but things have been straightened out, he would be better and he was interested in making money. Of course, I’m not turning down a money opportunity with a major ad campaign. I agreed to the terms as a ‘one last time’ type deal and he said ‘Great…the ad is slated to run the first week of June.’

I informed him that during the first week of June, I’d be in the process of moving and wasn’t sure when my internet services would be up BUT he could always hit me by phone or email (since it goes directly to my Blackberry). He said no problem and everything was a go.

Well the first week rolls by and I don’t hear anything. “I” initiated contact with AA, only to find out that the campaign had been pushed to the second week in June. Once again, I agreed. Waited and waited…didn’t hear anything. I initiated contact again, just to make sure that the campaign was still going. I was then advised that the campaign would be running at the end of June.

Well…here we are…in the beginning of July. I hadn’t heard a word…until yesterday.

I noticed that the rep that I frequently talk to was on AIM, so I IM him and ask him what the deal was. I hadn’t heard anything from them and was wondering what was going on.

He said…and I quote…”Oh, the campaign is already going. You don’t have any of our codes on your site.” << No question mark, no updates on shit. That was it. I advised him that I didn’t know that I needed to and that if someone had told me, I would’ve been quick to do what I had to do so that we could get it cracking. After that, he didn’t say a word. Which brings me to today. LONG IM cut short, I basically asked that the company remove me as an “option” for any future business b/c they have not proven to be business like in the past. From late payments, to NO payments, to cutting payments short, attitude laced emails, not explaining THEIR business correctly, playing favorites between bloggers, initiating bogus contacts for business opportunities…I could go on and on.

Again, I’m not going to put the name IN the blog. If you’re a blogger and want to know, feel free to email me and I’ll be glad to fill you in.

I told that backstory to say this…Black people, please…learn to take your business more seriously. Of course we all want money and we all want to succeed. But you can’t be successful if you’re into the shady business. Professionalism is key. Updating people would be nice too. This blogging/entertainment world is messy enough as is without having to stir people who don’t know how to be business professionals into the mix.

I have had some great experiences with blogging but I’ve also had some rough ones that were brought on by people who you’d THINK had it together but were really only out for themselves. In spite of all this, I will continue supporting Black businesses…just not ones like Aggravation Agency.

Tell him “I” said that…..

PS: I’m too tired to fix errors but if you see some, point ‘em out.

So, I go out…meet guys who take an interest in a G. We exchange numbers, text* it up a few times and then nothing happens. A lot of times, it’s b/c I’ve made a decision a few words in that they’d get on my nerves. But most of the time…it’s me.

I can be honest with myself. Really, I can. And here are the top FIVE reasons why I’ll probably be single for a really long time:

5. I can’t cook. Let me rephrase. I CAN cook but I am not trying to cook huge ass Thanksgiving style meals. I’ll bake you some chicken. I’ll cook some spaghetti. Hell, I’ll even unwrap the Totino’s pizza for you and add extras to make it special. But I really have no desire to be in a kitchen for longer than a few minutes.

4. I’m probably more of a commitment-phobe than you. I don’t mind being involved in something committed but I also don’t mind us dating and getting a REALLY good feel (pun totally intended) for one another before we say “Okay, let’s make it official…and monogamous.” Relationships are cool but oftentimes, people rush into them. Quick in = quicker out.

3. I’m probably the girl that your mother warned you about it. I embrace my inner slut. Aside from previous *cough* job choices, I’ve never been one to suppress my sexuality. at. ALL. Yea, I can “put on” and be a lady when and if I need be…but I’m far more comfortable being my sarcastic, smart mouth, just like the boys, grabbing my nuts (and yours) self. Anything else is just faking it.

2. I hate talking on the phone. Most men find that to be a little weird for a chickadee but I really loathe it. The only people that I don’t routinely send to voicemail are my parents and siblings. Everybody else needs to send me a text first, telling me that it’s important and THEN I’ll answer. If you trick me once I’m on the phone, I’ll hang up on you. I dunno about your cell phone but my shit gets hot. And you’re not getting my home number. So….

Anyway, that is part of the “dating” process I guess…the getting to know you thing. How can you get to know someone in 160 characters or less? Most people become annoyed with my attitude on talking on the phone and the minute a man calls me out about it, I send him my final text. ‘We’re done-zo.’

And the final reason why I’ll be single forever….(and this is where I get semi-serious):

1. I just don’t feel that I have “me” together yet. It’s taken so long for me to even figure out how to come full circle and I still don’t feel that I’ve come even 180 yet. Yes, I’ve accomplished some things and have had several moments where I can say that I am proud. But I’m not as proud as I’d like to be…nor am I in a position where I feel that I would bring a LOT to the table yet. Yea, I’m a good girl, I can be monogamous, I’m smart and pretty much open to doing whatever you want in the bedroom. But there’s so much more. So until I feel that I have…no wait…until I feel that God has prepared me for the person I’m meant to be with, I’ll continue being single.

And I think I’m okay with that.