Not too long ago, I had a conversation with someone about something that I was dealing it. With every sentence I’d start, I’d always say something like “Well, I don’t understand why ________” or “Why couldn’t ______ have happened instead?” The conclusion that I came with was that the whys don’t matter, at least not in every instance, but sometimes they need to verbalized….even if it’s to yourself, as the answer is usually something that you can offer yourself.

I think that everybody has had an experience in friendships, family, or love where you’ve had a disagreement and you walk away mumbling things you don’t mean. You oftentimes go back for more, mainly because you feel that you didn’t say enough the first time, or maybe because that last ‘walk away’ didn’t offer you any sort of resolve.

Once the mirror shatters to pieces, you find yourself asking why? Why didn’t you talk to me? Why weren’t you truthful to me? Why did you feel the need to _____ instead of ______? I find these questions playing over and over like a nickel on the needle when the answers are more self serving than self resolving.

A lot of times our egos allow us to believe that we have to “know.” We beat ourselves up trying to search for answers to these whys when the fact is knowing is only good for your own spirit. Knowing the answers to all the whys you have playing around in your head could simply be the decision of someone else, actions that we are not required to be made privy to but indeed served the purpose of another. I’ve played several situations out in my head over and over again….questions I’d ask, things that I’d say, all the whys I felt would pacify my ego. But the truth is, holding on to the expectation that someone owes you more than what was already given is typically more disappointing to the person inquiring than it is to the person you feel needs interrogating. When things get a bit too cluttered, I step away and remind myself that whatever was done to cause me to have a bag full of whys to begin with, the answers typically don’t change the outcome. Sometimes the best thing you can do is go with the flow that’s given. While one may feel that an answer is necessary, it’s not a requirement in your ability, to function, and to live as a normal human being. Ask yourself why does it matter if asking would only serve the purpose of causing more anger, more confusion, etc. Sometimes when all parties involved aren’t up for an interrogation session, you have to accept…no matter how hard it may be…that the situation truly is what it is and belting a million whys in the key of A trying to piece together your perfect melody is only a temporary pacifier. There could be many things that can be ‘fixed’ if two parties are willing to converse without yelling, while allowing each party to speak their mind with no interruption, and leaving your ego at the door. We oftentimes set ourselves up for disappointment with the expectation that someone would handle things the exact same way that you would. How arrogant of us to believe that because WE value certain things or that WE would handle things in a specific way that others should fall in line and do the same. Once one learns (and by one, I’m including myself in this) that no one owes you anything…including answers to the whys that we sometimes feel entitled to, you begin to feel better. Sometimes things just don’t work out; you see all the signs and everything in between and still attempt to force something that isn’t. And when everything blows after sipping on a fester flavored teabag, we’re left asking why….when they truly don’t matter. Various situations may require certain types of attention, but I guess I’m speaking for the person who consistently holds their hand over their phone, email box, or social media looking for answers to questions that may not mean much in your goal of moving forward. Ignoring the whys…the urge to reach out for a resolution…can be a lot more self fulfilling than you think.

Please don’t read this as a self righteous entry; 99.9% of the time when I’m blogging, I write about things that I’m personally working towards. Absolutely nothing wrong with sharing in the journey, especially if you never know that someone else could benefit.

Warning: I’m on ambien and can barely keep my eyes open but I had to finish this. No proof read. Bedtime.

On Thursday (around 3 something in the AM), I posted the above photo with a caption. In the caption, I talked briefly about how many of us use all the wrong things (and sometimes people) to get over situations. While everything usually feels ‘right’ in the moment, once it’s over, you go back to whatever emotion you had before. So no, I don’t think that it’s a good move to lay under someone to get over another. I truly DO believe that time does heal everything. But I have to admit that I’ve been guilty of this. Not presently but not extremely long ago.

As to not identify, I won’t talk about specifics in terms of time. I met someone. Liked them. The situation became a little more than a situation but ended in a huge fall out. Due to hurt and shame, I said things that I shouldn’t have said. I did things that I shouldn’t have done…and one of those things was allow someone else “in” in an effort to push the other situation out.

Initially, the ‘new’ was just something to do. After becoming use to talking to someone every day, being a part of their lives at all times, you feel a little empty not receiving it anymore. I’d like to describe it as a void. So I quickly moved on with the new, knowing that my heart was elsewhere. That new situation turned into like for me and love for them. There was never a point when I ever fully committed myself, and I believe that after a while, the new person recognized this. It became a goal for me…daily…to force something to fit, consistently putting on a happy face, but never EVER giving my full self as much as they deserved it. I tried to find reasons why there was never that full connection, why I wasn’t offering the type of love that the new person desired. Although I was mad as hell about the old situation, that person held a portion of my heart…thus disallowing me to fully give my heart to the new. Eventually those actions caused hurt. My ego wouldn’t (initially) let me admit to anything. I couldn’t bring myself to tell someone that I wasn’t fully in, that they were a rebound. How do you tell someone you love them when you know that certain emotions lie elsewhere? But I managed to put a smile on my face…and sometimes theirs…until I couldn’t fake it anymore. Once things began to fail at a rapid pace, I tried to (again) force a fit where there was none, not fully realizing that the only thing I valued at that moment was the consistency. We parted ways, but I walked away feeling as though I had wasted a big chunk of their lives because I couldn’t be honest with them…or myself. I submitted to the idea that having something after being so hurt was better than having nothing, even if I knew that I’d never really love them. This was part of my mistake.

Even now…I love the idea of love and being in a happy relationship. At times, I fantasize about how my next relationship will be better than any other I’ve had because I now understand that it takes full commitment, which was something I subconsciously refused to give to the new person in my life. And it’s absolutely unfair to the willing to make them a pawn in a game of Chess until you figure out your next move. Love shouldn’t be about being strategic but instead being consistent and willing to fully give yourself…only when you’re over someone else. Over time, I’ve learned that I don’t know how to fake it. It’s not fair for me or anyone else that I create a bond with to rake them through the coals while my heart continues to drift to someone else. It’s not always an easy thing to do, but I DO recognize that temporary situations offer no resolution to the heart. At least not a lasting fix. Only time does. For the sake of fairness…to me and another…I realize that I have to throw away the bandages for good so that I don’t make that mistake again. Nobody deserves that…not even me.

By my own admission, I have my moments. You can call me crazy; I call it being a Cancer. But no matter how you label it, anytime I’m in a funk, I choose to keep to myself. I feel that I wouldn’t want to pass on my negative energy to someone else. If I don’t feel like talking, I won’t. If I don’t want to be bothered, you won’t bother me. Just know that I’ll respect you enough to keep myself at a distance until I feel that I’m ready to give you what you’re looking for.

I don’t know what’s going on with me as of late, but I seem to be more sensitive these days to other people and their energy. I’m not talking about a blatant frown or other clear expressions in the face that’d let me know that something isn’t right. I just feel things, and when those things disrupt my space, I have to lovingly distance myself.

Just recently, I was hanging out with someone who swore that nothing was wrong. They barely talked, and when they did, it was to complain about something. Half ass answering my questions, constant eye rolling, sitting with a scowl on their face that’d even make Satan wanna get his shit together. It was so bad that even after we went our separate ways, I still felt that negativity. Although I didn’t purposely take it on, the rest of my day went to shit because I picked up on everything that person did, the way they acted, and the way they felt, causing my mood to go from great to shit in record time. Obviously, that’s not what I wanted, but it happened.

Now, don’t get it confused. People ARE allowed to go through things and never disclose what’s going on. I would never pressure someone to share any aspect of themselves if they didn’t feel like sharing. However, choosing to keep your emotions to yourself is completely different from having a nasty attitude with an even nastier look on your face…as though I did something wrong.

I’m trying to invite new energy in my life. While I’m sure that I’ll still have my days where I wanna rock a ‘fuck everything and everybody’ t-shirt, I’ve found that at least TRYING to make the best of every day helps in terms of my overall growth, the people that I attract, and productivity. People who always see the glass half empty than half full have always gotten to me, but it seems that now, I pick up on it a lot quicker and want to dismiss them before inviting that same Debbie Downer spirit to totally eclipse my mood.

Everyone deserves to be happy. We don’t always have to agree on how to get there, but we should all work to treat those that we care about or come in contact with as though we’re concerned about their travel to happiness. Before recently, I was able to mentally block those that didn’t have a happier disposition, but now, it interrupts my calm. Once that happens, I really don’t see the value in having you around.

I love all of my friends and sincerely care about how they feel. But there’s a few that are repeat marchers in the Parade of Pissiness, and for that reason, with many of you, I’ll have to love from a distance.

It’s okay to have your days; we’re all entitled to that. But keep in mind that others are entitled to their happiness, and you should strongly consider that before you constantly (be it consciously or otherwise) bring everyone down to your level.

Find something to be happy about, you guys. Everything isn’t always that bad.

Much like the rest of the world, I have goals and things that I’d like to accomplish in this life time. Although I’m not one to believe that happiness is made up of money and material things, I do aspire to one day live the American dream. I want to see the world and do things I’ve never done. I want my family happy; I want to make them proud. I want to be able to enjoy life more than I already do. Over the last few months, I’ve had some pretty amazing experiences. I know that a part of me was somewhat limited before, but I now feel that the world is open for my taking. I have a lot of business ideas that I know would push me much closer to this glorious American dream (at least the way I’d define it), but no matter what I do throughout my day, I never feel that I’m working enough.

Maybe I should feel content that my day is so easy, or that I don’t have extremely stressful deadlines to meet. But there’s a huge part of me that feels a little unsettled when I go to bed at night. I find myself saying ‘Yes, you did this, that, and other stuff, but you could’ve completed so much more.’ I make a list, I do what I can with said list, and feel quite accomplished when I’m able to mark things off. But there’s oh so much more, and it often times makes me feel incomplete. Mind you, it’s not defeat that I feel; I know that I have accomplished much, but there’s just so much more that I want and need to do…so many other things that I want to come full circle. It just doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day.

In addition to working on the relaunch of Kill Pink, I created a list of the other businesses (4…for a total of 6) that I have in mind. All of them are web related, and all have the potential to produce great earning potential. Additionally, it’ll give me the happiness in knowing that I’m still not waiting for someone to hand me a check every two weeks. But at times, I feel as though I’m researching like crazy, watching the clock…but the work isn’t hard enough. It causes me to create even more lists full of bookmarks on sites to inquire on, things to do to make the actual idea a thing, but there’s always this stopping point. I can’t really explain what it feels like other than to say that it creates a dark hole that makes all the work I did in the day feel like less than what it actually was.

I try to keep a pretty positive outlook in line in general. Yea, there are moments in everyone’s life that can make you feel a bit down or depressed, but in those moments, I always remind myself that I made it through before, and it can happen again. But the one thing that’s always been a great source of confusion for me was the direction of my life in terms of my career. Given its terms, I could be considered an internet entrepreneur. However, with all the lists that I have for everything, it just always seems that I never do enough (no matter how FULL my day is) for everything to be solid.

Once upon a time, I use to focus on soooo many things at one time. I always felt that as soon as I had a new idea, I HAD to put everything down and work on that. Once I started dabbling in the pot of EVERYTHING I had in mind, I would get SO overwhelmed that I’d quit. So I’ve been made it a point to put everything that I wanted to do on my ipad and underneath it, the requirements for it to be a go. I go through one thing, getting prices for things that I’ll need later, buying things that I need now and refusing to move on to the next thing. But it still never seems like enough.

I’m just talking out loud, I suppose. I think that I always get super reflective the closer it gets to my birthday (June 24th). I’m not saying that I’m giving up (just not in my spirit to do so); I’m just saying that I need to find a way to continue congratulating myself for the things that I have done and have accomplished and understand that that feeling in and of itself is, in fact, enough.

In my opinion, my dream is simple. My goals are, without question, reasonable. I just have to circle back to the point where the happiness I once found in the minor things that I do don’t create a sense of complacency in my mind.

Goodnight.

Before I get started, let me first make it clear that I am bisexual. Not straight. Not gay. Bisexual. And although I absolutely lean more towards the gay side, I feel that it’s necessary to be ‘honest’ in my feelings, especially if it can potentially be an issue for a new partner.

I decided to call this blog the three year allergy because June will mark my third year of being dick free.

Can you believe it? A girl who at one point ‘lived’ off of her sexuality…who had an affinity for thick, long ones….has not seen a penis outside of film in three years.

In being perfectly honest, it wasn’t necessarily a decision that I made; instead, it was something that just happened. Although many people tend to believe the contrary, I happen to think that I was, in fact, born with a love for both men and women. No, I don’t believe that I was pushed in that direction (though a therapist and onlookers would disagree, since my first sexual experience with a man older than me was at 8 years old…saving deets for the book I can’t seem to finish). I truly believe that my love for women started when I was a tiny tot.

My first real sexual experience (the one that “I” count as the day that I lost my virginity) was a month before I turned 14. I remember asking myself What’s all the fuss, only to find out later that my choice in partner just didn’t measure up (he was incredibly small). After that, I didn’t even try it again until maybe 2 or so years later. Once again, no “boom.” I didn’t see the sparks that most women get when a penis thrusts their vagina. I didn’t have that amazing orgasm that I had learned to give myself at a young age. Nope, absolutely nothing.

And my sexual experiences for the remainder of my days…up until I stopped…were much the same. I would have sex with men and get absolutely nothing out of it. I can count on ONE hand how many men have brought me to an orgasm…and even then, I had to imagine other things to make it happen (sorry to all the men I slept with and ultimately made feel as though they were ‘da man.’ I promise I faked it. Pinky swear). For all those years, I continued on with my ‘duty’ as a girl, having sex with men and being afraid to speak up and tell them that I really got nothing from it. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve had sex with some guys with great action…but at no point did I think that those actions were considerate of my vagina. I became a little resentful, to be honest, and eventually likened sex to someone just getting on top of me (or me, them), thrusting their life away…always getting theirs, but never caring about mine.

Now, this isn’t to say that I didn’t feel it or get pleasure from it. I’m simply saying that there was never a point where I felt that my needs were met. Yea, they give you head, play that radio game with your tits, kiss you as passionately as they could after years of watching Cinemax…but it was never about me. As crazy as it may sound, I started to feel a little violated, like it was more of an action to appease their own sexual desires while none of mine were met. Maybe it was my fault since I never really spoke up…or maybe because I faked it. But I began to think that sex with men was more a violation than penis and pussy harmony.

With women, it was different. I always orgasmed. I always felt the passion in it, even if it was only a quick screw. As many times as I tried to get that same thing from men, it was always a fail. I thought that something was wrong with me; sometimes I still do. But my experiences and thought process still makes me look at most men as extremely selfish creatures, and I figured that it was pointless to bring my numbers up (even more…sheesh) all for the sexual pleasure of a man.

I absolutely love men. I’m still quite attracted to them, and it’s quite possible that I WILL be with a man again. But this time, it’ll be in a long term relationship with someone I can trust to have more of “me” in mind and one who values the whole deal as a sexual experience for two, not 1.5 (him and his “junior”). And this is why I’ve just happened to lay off sex with men. I still think about it; I’ve had many opportunities that I’ve passed on. But I’d rather welcome it from someone who genuinely cares than one who’s only interested in busting a nut and taking me back to my 8 year old self.

I’m not ‘gay’ for fun or convenience. I spend time, sleep with, and date women because I am more attracted to them. From the first time I had an experience with women, I’ve never left unsatisfied. I never felt as though it was more about them and less about me. And while it is pretty easy for anyone to assume that I only like women BECAUSE of things lingering in my past, I can say (whether you believe it or not) that my attraction to the same sex is real and was in place long before the violation.

I don’t have a plan for my self imposed ‘allergy.’ I like who I like. I love who I love. And only God knows if that’ll eventually COMPLETELY belong to ONE man or ONE woman. But until then, I’m having a decent time waiting…..

It’s late and I’m about to head to bed, but before I do, I wanted to get something off my chest. One of the crazy things about life and love is…at times, our hearts can lead us to make decisions that, in the end, don’t work out best for our spirit. When the heart leads, your mind is left to play catch up. Sure, you hear this voice that tells you to wait or that little voice that tries to help you choose between right and wrong. But sometimes the heart wins and leaves you in a situation that you’d likely not be involved in had you simply listened.

After watching several experiences with friends and family members where they were torn to shreds due to their lover’s indiscretions, I decided a long time ago that I would never be that girl. That girl is defined as one who has absolutely no issues stepping in the middle of a happy home because the priority is in how she benefits. It could be with money, the chase, or just an overall fuckless attitude when it comes to other people and their relationships. Now, there are some women who are able to handle this type of lifestyle without an afterthought…their needs are satisfied and they’ve ultimately won….at least in their eyes.

Then there are the other women who play the role of the side chick in hopes of one day persuading their ‘secret lover’ of being 100% theirs. The secret texts and phone calls…the rendezvous just to get a ‘glimpse’ of a person who doesn’t…and may not ever…belong to them. In the end, it only leads to a cold, lonely bed at night. The ‘main’ chick wins while you, the side chick, have nothing to call your own.

I’ve never knowingly been anyone’s side piece. Although I have met some wonderful people who were taken, I find myself thinking about family members and friends who were once hurt by the trysts of one that they trusted and ultimately gave their hearts to. I’ve been tempted…many times. But I’ve always, somehow, managed to snap myself back into reality for fear of ever being that girl, and scared to death that it’ll happen to me. My relationship karma…

I’m not a fan of cliches and such, but I do believe that it’s true when people say that how you get someone is exactly how you’ll lose them. Karma sees and knows everything; you may be able to duck and dodge on paying a car note or that child support payment…but you can never escape the watchful eyes of karma when you choose to play ‘doctor’ in a relationship that has nothing to do with you. It never ends well, and in more cases than not, the person that you’re running after so feverishly will never, EVER leave the one that they call “main.” And should you be so lucky, how do you know that there’s not someone who’s waiting in the wings, anxious to take YOUR place as the side girl…all because you’ve totally disregarded your own love karma?

Most people are ridiculously vulnerable after they’ve been involved in a long term relationship. While some may become somewhat of a recluse, there are others who look to quickly involve themselves so that they can forget about the bumpy ride that’s synonymous in losing the battle of love. But you have to remind yourself (and by ‘you,’ I mean all of us) that you’re only putting a bandaid over a gunshot wound. I confess that I’ve never been happier in terms of my personal life, but I’m still working hard to use my head instead of my heart in my day to day living. Some things are just so tempting or made to feel like such a necessity that thinking straight isn’t always on the menu. But then you’re reminded of that friend who called you just a few short months ago in tears because her man was caught cheating. Or you think back on that time when a close family member was torn to shreds when she thought that her husband was being loyal. And the hope is that you ask yourself, how could I do that to someone else? What makes it all worthwhile, especially if this very same thing could happen to me?’

It all comes back to loving yourself and keeping in mind your own goals and focus. Reading a blog entry earlier today further confirmed that in order to get the love that you want (be it now or later), you have to first love you and love others just enough that you never become a habitual line stepper, ruining the love someone else has for the love that you think you want.

Karma is indeed a bitch, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. You just have to be quick on your feet and let your mind lead because that heart? Man, she’ll have you traveling down a dusty road of nothingness, only for you to lose in the end.

…and your bed is still cold.

Raise your glasses and let’s have a toast to just saying no…..