de·feat·ism noun \di-ˈfē-ˌti-zəm, dē-\: a way of thinking in which a person expects to lose or fail
If you’re constantly around folks who are talking about what they CAN’T do, that feeling of defeat can overcome you too. Think of it as a flesh eating bacteria; if someone else has it and you touch it or come within inches of it, you too can be impacted. The same goes for people with this “I can’t do” attitude.
So, I was checking the analytics for my Youtube “testimony” video and saw that my video was embedded on a message board. Although I kept telling myself not to go read anything on there, I did anyway. While there were at least 3 comments talking negatively about me (doubting my walk, bringing up my past…”why do hos always wanna get saved after they get all used up”….etc), surprisingly, everybody else defended me.
Even though I probably shouldn’t have said a word, I decided to anyway. Nothing nasty at all but just a small reminder to onlookers that no one has the right to doubt God’s ability just b/c of the “sinner” He’s saving. If you can believe in God for any other reason, you absolutely can believe that He’s more than capable of saving a girl that you hate a whole bunch (but don’t even know at all).
I decided to log into an old email account that I used to use for several years. As a matter of fact, even though I don’t use that particular email addy for communication with anyone, it’s still connected to various shopping websites that I frequently visit. I logged in because I wanted to see if I could remember my old vocal coaches name. She was probably the 3rd coach I had used once I moved to Atlanta, and I really liked her. As I’m scrolling through countless emails, tossing out keyword after keyword, I chance upon a few pics from back in ‘those’ days. I was in the middle of listening to Smokie Norful’s I Understand for the 100th time. And although I (obviously) knew that these pics existed, it’s been years since I actually saw one for myself. I turned the music off for a second and just stared. My eyes……
As it stands today, there are several things that I feel that I need to work on but experiencing everything that I did growing up has taught me to continue loving myself, even when times get hard. I have learned that love should involve a certain degree of reciprocity and that no matter the extent of ones past infractions against you, forgiveness is paramount in being able to deal with self. Until I am able to find that balance and truly forgive, I’ll continue telling myself the five words that provide entertainment for some but a certain level of comfort for me…..he is NOT the father.
I won’t detail what the rest of this paper was about (this was the end), but….thank God for mercy, change, and healing…
I’ve been receiving a lot of feedback about my video and I want to say thank you! In being completely honest with you, the video wasn’t easy for me to do. Before I turned the camera on, I said “Jia, don’t cry. Cuz once you start, you won’t be able to finish the vid.” I had to hold those tears back a little. When speaking of your pain, sadness, shame, hurt, guilt, horrible personality traits, etc., you literally strip yourself naked. And that was VERY hard for me to do. But after having a convo with a friend…literally ministering to her, unsure of where my words would come from, but asking God to guide me….He said that I need to open up more.
I have so much more to tell but this’ll do for now. I don’t expect any of this to be easy, but I’m grateful that some of you have benefited from my words. Or even if nothing I said was relatable to you and your life, you at least have an explanation (not an EXCUSE) as to why I was…am…was…the way I was…am. I’m still being worked on. I still feel like snatching people by the follicles for trying me. But God is working on me so hard that I FOR REAL think before I speak now. I didn’t do that before. My mouth was the toughest thing for me to get under control. I gave it to Him, promised Him I’d try, and He’s already working in my life. He’s probably doing it so quickly b/c He knew He’d have to do a 1st, 2nd, and 3rd shift job on me. LOL
Nonetheless, thank all of you for watching and taking whatever you could from it. I’m sure there will be somebody out there who will try to make me feel like trash because of this video but eh…it is what it is. Can’t please everybody. As long as God is happy with my tries, I couldn’t care less about anybody else. No shade though.
Appreciate all of yall & God bless.
And yes, I realize the date is wrong lol
I wasn’t gonna share this because it’s personal, but I felt moved to do so.