Holiday Eating Rules

I thought that this was TOO funny, so I had to repost it here! Happy Holidays!

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Well... seems that it’s THAT time of the year again where we get together and drink, eat and have good conversations.
Follow the rules and you MAY not get your ass handed to you on a platter this year!

1. If you are allergic to anything, get the ingredients before the buffet table is set.
Don’t wait until you are in line and ask what everything is on the dayum table!:

* “Who made the potato salad?
* “Is it egg in there?”
* “Are the greens fresh or Glory?”
* “Is the meat in the greens smoked turkey or pork?
* “Who made the macaroni and cheese?”
* “What kind of pie is that?
* “Who made it?”
* “Where Lucy’s Yams?
* “Y’all out of Ocean Spray? Aw, HELL naw!”
* “Who made the Chit’lins? Y’all know I don’t eat err’body’s Chit’lins!
* “Where the Frank‘s RedHot Sauce at?”

Ask one more damn question and I will sucka-punch you in both eyes AND your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to see OR eat a DAMN thing.
Oh yes, you WILL get knocked the fuck out for that!

2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your crippled ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Here...nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Noo-Noo to start telling family stories about their mommas and daddies.
If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses, up to the kneecap!

4.
There is going to be ONE prayer for Thanksgiving/ Christmas dinner!

JUST ONE!

We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or that your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a good got-damn. We do not care what you are thankful for at the buffet table. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something VERY hard come rapidly across your lips and they will be on SWOLL for approximately the next 20 minutes.
Say something NOW!

5.
Finish EVERYTHING on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cussed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! If you touch my shiznit, I will shoot you! Dead in your face! Hands down! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over to include in the buffet, don’t let me catch you making a plate period, or there WILL be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you.
EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her.
After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas or New Years dinner! Cousin Crazy Cal is home on a tether and his weight-lifting ass will be supervising y’all when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfredo and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA, Discover, ATM and MASTER CARD are now being accepted.
NO FOOD STAMPS, BRIDGE OR ACCESS CARDS YET! Always next year, baby!

And, uh... HAPPY HAPPY & MERRY MERRY, Y’ALL!

No Tap Dancing Here

I LOVE the blog, What About Our Daughters, and have since I first found out about it through another blog.

But this entry HERE made me love it even more! If this sista didn’t keep it REAL, I dunno WHAT she did!

Yall know my take on the whole fiasco that is the Hudson/King murders. I have said from the gate that I feel that Julia knows something or had something to do with it. I refuse to believe otherwise…ain’t no convincing me. I would really like to make a video about it but out of respect for Jennifer, I won’t.

Nonetheless, please click above and read the blog entry that was written putting Julia all the way in her place! I love it!

Below is the comment that I posted on the blog! I didn’t curse (haha) so hopefully, it’s approved!

Brav-a!! *clapping furiously and throwing down her bottled water in aww*

This was, by FAR, the absolute BEST write up I have YET to read on this tragedy!

I have said from DAY ONE that I believe that Julia Hudson is about two vitamins short of a multi-pack and wondered why no one else seemed to really be speaking on this same thing.

I don’t care if it was a ‘running joke’ that Jason would call himself the prettiest one out of all the siblings. The comment underneath her picture was tacky and made me give her the OFFICIAL side-eye.

I don’t care if everyone grieves differently. The bottom line is it’s just suspect to me that she was conveniently ‘absent’ the day that all of this happened…and that she did act very non-chalant when the press conference aired. I’m sorry but you kill my mother, brother and child, I’d be light-weight insane. Deliver that straight jacket to the crib..do not pass go, but gimme my $200 b/c I’m going to need some meds, STAT!

She looks suspect, suspect, suspect. She still has Balfour as one of her friends on her page. If I truly believed that ‘loving the wrong person cost me the life of my family’ (and I’m paraphrasing there), then believe you me, I would’ve DELETED my Myspace page just to make SURE he was nowhere to be FOUND in my section of the cyber world! But this fool is STILL on your page…and you’re still posting bogus comments and questionable surveys? Please! Oh PLEASE! Somebody PLEASE hire me on to the Chicago PD. The case would be CLOSED and Julia would be sitting in questioning RIGHT NOW, rather than posing up all lovey dovey on her Myspace page.

And if her new ‘boo’ had any sense, he would RUN! Not walk, not skip but RUN to the nearest exit and never look back. There is no way in Hades I’d get involved with a woman who has all ‘that’ going on. Please!

I’m gonna step off my high horse! I am sooo tempted to do a video about this but out of respect for JENNIFER, I probably won’t. I’m laughing at the fact that this girl thinks that she is somehow some type of celebrity. Girl, ain’t nobody (yes, double negatives) sweating YOU! We’re feeling sorry for your FAMILY b/c of your LOSS! So you might as well shrink on back into the shadows of your sister, driving that school bus and living that life. Clearly, we’re not buying it.

The end!

Conversation With the Parental Units, II

Ma: Hey, whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing..about to go to sleep.
Ma: I need a favor
Me: No.
Ma: Why not? You don’t even know what it is!
Me: So!
Ma: Okay, be like that…all the stuff I did for you coming up.
Me: Man, what’s the favor?
Ma: No, nevermind, I’ll call your sister and have her do it.
Me: Okay, bye.
Ma: Hello? You really gonna make me call her? You can’t do me this one favor?
Me: Ma!! What’s the favor? Dang!
Ma: I need you to call these two numbers and vote for me.
Me: Vote? Vote for what?
Ma: Dancing with the Stars
Me: Man What?? You want me to call and vote? Why can’t you do it?
Ma: I already called a buncha times and I’m blocked!
Me: Man, call from the cell phone then.
Ma: Already did. Blocked there too.
Me: Ma I don’t even watch Dancing with the Stars!
Ma: So!! Just do it for me!
Me: What’s the numbers, man…dang.
Ma: 800 868 3404
Me: Okay, bye.
Ma: No wait!! It’s another one! 800 868 3413
Me: That’s cheating.
Ma: Eh, whatever…call and vote. bye.

*click*

SMH I’m putting her in a home as soon as she hits 60.

Travelocity

Of all the places in the world I could go, I really want to visit NY.

I want to take pics in Times Square and just experience New York in all it’s splendor.

I dunno that I could LIVE there b/c it’s so fast it seems. But I really want to go!

Soon!

Lord, Help ‘Em

Having a blog/vlog where you talk about your personal life is always a trip.

You’re left with the issue of either calling names so people know when they’re being talked about OR just not blogging about the issue at all.

Anytime I do a blog/vlog where I’m talking in a very hypothetical tone, I am almost always guaranteed at least ONE instance where someone will come to me and say:

Yo…you coulda just came and talked to me, man. When I did ____, that’s not how I meant it at all.

Wait..hold up. Who in the fuck said I was talking about YOU? Did you do something that I am not aware of that made YOU feel convicted? Better yet, what makes you think that you’re worthy of being blogged about?

It’s frustrating as hell! When I did my ‘10 Things‘ blog, at least three people asked me was __, __, or ___ about them! WTF? WHO ARE YOU?

When I talk randomly about a situation, it’s always “Was that about me?” Man what the fuck? Again, who are you? It is so damn annoying.

But here’s a little something for everyone who questions what they read or watch…stop doing questionable shit if you don’t want to “think” you’re being talked about. Damn!

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